Is Life One Big Competition?

Somewhere along the way, I came to believe that life was a competition. Maybe it's just my warped view on the world, but it seems as if everything in our modern culture comes down to competition.

The definition of competition is two or more parties trying to outdo each other, a rivalry between forces. If life were truly a competition that would mean that only one person could "win". But is this really why we are here, just to see if we can 'one up' each other?Everywhere around us we are constantly being measured up against someone else, something else. How do I measure up? This pressure has got to stop.

And relax, I am not suggesting we do away with sports, or even business. I believe healthy competition is good for evolution, to push us to the next level. I am just saying maybe we should reevaluate some of our core self-sabotaging behaviors. I am talking about when the ones closest to us feel they constantly have to "compete" with us.  I'm tired of unhealthy competition among family members. How ridiculous that you feel putting down your own flesh and blood is a reflection of how great you are. I am sick of competition between women. Come on, girls. We can all relate to this...We have either been on the giving end or the receiving end of petty, jealous, immature behavior. We can do better than this. This isn't propelling our species forward into evolution of our greatest selves.

I am not a spiritual guru, but one thing I know for sure is that this isn't how it's supposed to end. This isn't our legacy. You know what some of the antonyms of competition are? Harmony, cooperation, and peace. I don't know about you, but to me, these words are exactly how I think the world should be defined. Harmony, you know, the flow of life, when everything just fits. Cooperation, the act of working together for the common good. Peace, the state of natural order, when no one and nothing is out of place.

I have this theory that no matter what, we have to be who we are. We have to stay in harmony with life, keep up with the flow. I believe that this means we have to let go of things that do not support our harmony and peace. Sometimes, many times, this is unbelievably challenging. This means letting go of closest relationships with people that we love. This means shedding old, outdated ways of thinking. My favorite example of this is racism. Guess what, not liking or approving of someone because of the tone of their skin IS.NOT.OK. Let go of what was passed to you, generation to generation. Let go of behaviors that do not support your positive wellbeing. I love food. But I cannot eat certain major food groups without consequences. I have to make the change and let go of how I think it should be. We have to let go of jobs that drain our soul, slowly, day after day. We have to let go of toxic "friendships". No one said it was going to be easy...

The exciting thing is I see a spiritual "shedding" of sorts going on in the world around me. I see everyone I know struggling in their own way letting go of things that do not serve their wellbeing. I see business and politics, shifting. I hope this is a global movement. The downside is that this process is uncomfortable and sometimes downright ugly, for myself included. But I have to believe that we are going to get there.

xo,
K

HIndsight is 20/20

Dear God...What a beautiful day.

I sit here, on my porch, with my coconut milk Brahmin tea latte, drinking in all the beauty of this Colorado spring day. My house sits on a park, nestled in a valley just south of Denver. I watch as a skateboarder rides by. I can see the beautiful Rocky Mountains to my left, beautiful clouds swirling above the peaks. My cute puppy, a 6 month old Doberman, does a little sunbathing on the deck while I write. I hear wind chimes, birds, and rustling leaves. Amazing.

Ok, big deal... This chick is enjoying her tea... But listen. This is a big deal, for me. The act of being present. A concept, so simple, yet I am finding more and more, that it is a actually pretty hard. For me, it requires turning off the noise in my head, not listening to that ugly ego. When I am fully present, I don't have the ability to worry, over-analyze, criticize, or judge. All I can do in a moment of being fully present, is soak in life. Yes, things don't always go the way we think they should, but why do we deny ourselves all of the other beautiful gifts life has to offer by being consumed with our thoughts? Not sure where I heard this, but I love it: "Do not believe everything you think."

I am, admittedly, an over-analyzer. You know the type... Someone that may or may not freak out about anything and everything. I am the BEST at worst-case scenarios. If you ever want a run down of possible outcomes in any given situation, I am your girl. But after 32 years of living way too much in my head, constantly analyzing anything that came my way, I started to realize it was consuming me. My thoughts would race. I was hypercritical of myself and others. I became a perfectionist, and I am not perfect, which created even more stress for me. One day, it dawned on me, that I WANT peace, I NEED peace.

On my own spiritual journey,  I have learned that most of our pain comes from our thoughts. We punish ourselves. We get stuck in thinking about the past. We think about how we have messed up or how we have been wronged. Or...We worry too much about the future. If you are like me, you worry about both. It is so draining...

Am I perfect at letting go, being present, and fully enjoying life? Um, no. But I work on it. Every Second. I am letting go of the past. It is over. Yes, I can walk away with some valuable life lessons and apply them to the NOW. But I am not going to live there anymore. I am not going to blame anyone for my circumstances. Nor will I continuously beat myself up for mistakes I have made. I have forgiven myself. It is so easy to beat ourselves up. It's the old hindsight is 20/20 thing. If you would have known better, you would have done better. You are not that person anymore. You are a newer, improved version, capable of anything today, but only if you are open and available to it!

And I have to let go of worrying about the future. I have to trust myself fully. I have to know that I make every decision with my heart. Every decision made today from a place of love and faith will guide me further along my path. I have to drop the self-doubt, that comes with beating myself up for past failures, and know that everything has a purpose, including me. I have to believe that every decision made today will take me exactly where I am supposed to be tomorrow.

If I am as spiritual as I think I am (or desire to be), I have to let go of the worry, or try as best as I can, every day. I have to learn to "go with the flow". I have to know that every situation, personal encounter, every person I meet, every place I go, has some divine purpose. And it does! I think we are taught to believe that if we are "good" nothing bad will happen. This just simply isn't true. We cannot develop, grow, thrive, and expand without proper training.  (What if our souls need just as much time, energy, and development as our minds and bodies?) We cannot truly know and appreciate the good, without experiencing some bad.

Thank you for reading!
xo,
K

Mother Teresa

My big point of meditation has been what are the big spiritual lessons we are here to learn. What is this thing called life really for? This may sound radical, but I don't believe we are here to suffer. I don't believe we are here to self-destruct as people, as a species, as a planet. I believe we are here to overcome our circumstances, to rise above our obstacles, to walk the Refiner's Fire. We are here to experience these spiritual lessons in human form. So I have asked God, many times, to really know the whys. I asked for it. So when seemingly bad things happen, I now try to look for the lesson. I figure the quicker I learn the lessons, the less painful it will be. Ok, God, I'm listening...

So my recurring situation/feeling/lesson is how to cope with high levels of negativity in those that I love around me. The modern word for this is toxic people. I hate this label because it's so nasty sounding. And unless we are a modern saint, we all carry some level of anger/hate/negativity/prejudice. It's part of the human experience, part of the grand lesson. We all get damaged, and then thru love, we become whole again. I have a soft spot in my heart for people that are hurting, as most of us do. I am one/have been one of those people. BUT, I have a huge problem when hurt people feel it's ok to put their pain on others or reactively lash out at anyone and everyone that so much as flinches. The more hurting you are as a person, the more sensitive those wounds will be. BUT, at no point does that give us permission to "hit" back.

So back to those wounds... When we spend so much time trying to protect those wounds, we end up closing ourselves off, from the people we love, to the blessings available to us. You know what's funny, some of the most negative people I know also have the biggest hearts. And negativity is hard to break; you have to make a conscious effort, constantly. We have to heal our wounds, and move forward in love.

Here is an excerpt from my journal on 4/16/14:
"I feel like I have a huge heart. I want to love everything and everyone. I love to love, because love feels good. I wish life was always warm and fuzzy, filled with unicorns and roses, and all the other clichés. So let me rephrase: I think the lesson is learning how to love without getting hurt."

I forgot all about that entry. And this very topic has been on my heart so much this week. So, well played God, well played. I would now edit the lesson to being: Learning how to love without becoming too wounded to participate in life. Or, Learning how to love without getting or giving hurt. Anyway, you get the idea... Become Mother Teresa.

I have a feeling this is a big lesson. That's a tall order. First, I have to own my negativity, be responsible for my energy, and not put that on anyone else. I am not Mother Teresa yet, so I have to protect myself, to some degree, from others' negativity. Yes, I want to save the world with love but I can't do it if the other party in any given relationship fights me tooth and nail on the love thing. I HAVE to keep love in my heart. I HAVE to. It's my only hope, the secret to my salvation. There are other people that want love, they want the love I have to give, and they reciprocate that love. It's an awesome feeling to have that. To have a family, circle, a tribe of friends picked so perfectly for me, yet so diverse and widespread. It's my personal story, my own funny sitcom. I can't waste my precious time on negativity. We are called to love. We were created to love. Turn the other cheek. Don't lash out when people hurt you, but be sure to ALWAYS give your love to those that love you back!

xo,
K

Depression - Coming Out Of My Closet

I found a video recently that touched my heart in a way that words couldn't begin to describe. It gave me the strength and push to come out of my "closet".
http://tedxtalks.ted.com/video/Coming-Out-of-Your-Closet-Ash-B


I have finally admitted to myself that I suffer from bouts of depression. And for my perfectionist nature, by definition, this means, or meant, that fundamentally, I'm a failure. The last few years have been beyond difficult for me. And at times, I felt like my life, and my physical body, was literally shattering into pieces. I spent so much time and energy trying to prove to myself and to the world that I was invincible. Honestly, I think I felt extreme pressure from my family, my work, societal expectations, whatever, to have it all together. I have always felt like I had to be independent, strong, funny, attractive, thin, financially secure, intelligent, well dressed, and on and on. Truth is, I've spent most of my life feeling insecure and self-conscious, which is very different from the person I have attempted to portray to the world. At times, I feel completely worthless, like a failure and a fraud.

Is depression biological or environmental? I don't know. I personally believe it is both. And I believe that it is a vicious circle, that if you let it, will continue to drag you to the depths of hell, using YOU as the tool of self-destruction. How sad this must be to our Creator that in our weakest moments, we hurt ourselves and cause unbearable pain to ourselves. I did this to myself. I caused myself this pain. I told myself I was worthless. I have no excuses.

 Depression does run rampant in my family lineage. It has left a trail of failed relationships, hurt feelings beyond repair, self-destructive behavior, suicidal tendencies, and big, proud, ugly egos. And the sad part is that these people, at their core, are good people. Deep down, they have big hearts. They are attractive, successful (by society's standards), likeable people carrying this burden around like a death sentence.

I personally choose not be a victim of depression. I know that the power to change these behaviors lies within myself. Yes, depression is chemical, but its also the result of conditioning. And in my case, I believe it is caused by generations of hurt people hurting people. I can change my thinking and my behaviors. I don't have to be a victim in my own life. But I have to be open and honest with myself and others. I know that this journey will not be a straight line. the brain is powerful, especially the subconscious, which is as automatic as breathing. I have to communicate when I'm feel myself slipping to that dark place. And I have to hold myself accountable to being aware that the negative bullshit running rampant in my head isn't true. Im learning that it does no good to myself or others to pretend to be perfect and to always act like I have my shit together. I don't. At all. 

As I write this, I am happy and content. I've had a feeling, for a while now, that this year is my return to physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. I can feel the shift happening, yet I know I'll hit speed bumps along the way. I finally feel brave enough (today anyway) to take control of my life, instead of feeling like I have to live up to my/others' standards/expectations, and then being a victim when I fail. 

I have been blessed with an amazing daughter that has given me the courage and power to break generational patterns. I love her more than I love myself, but I have fought for myself because she deserves better than that. I have an amazing husband who saw me for me, and has been a source of unwavering strength and a healthy example of love. He is beyond grounded, which is invaluable to someone like me. I have amazing friends that never give up on me during times I wanted to give up on myself. At the end of the day all we really have are people, relationships, connections, and LOVE. I sit here, grateful for the grace of God, thankful for my life, and I'm finally excited to LIVE it.


Xo,
K

Love

Love.

What a powerful word.

Love has got to be the most written about topic, yearned for by all. Yet, this word is so elusive. I've spent so much time in my life trying to define it, catch it, nail it down, mis define it, bastardize it. I have confused love with many other things. At times, love has even felt a lot like hate.

I think the problem with our culture's relationship with love is that at its core, love is transcendent, yet we attempt to make it fit our fake world. Love, and the connection that go along with love, are the only real things at the end of the day. What is this life for, if not love. Love is beyond our human limitations, our misery, our illusions, and our drama. It is of our essence, our spirit, and it is most importantly our connection to the divine, our call home. What I know for sure is that our goal here on earth is to really know love.

If I look back on every life lesson I've had, I can see clearly the connection to love. I can see that at the end of the day, love is real when mostly everything around us is imagery.  Love is innate, powerful, and beyond words. If we can get past all of our baggage and drama, we would discover that love, that thing we long for, has always been there, waiting for us. Somewhere along the way I developed this misconception that love is always pretty. Let me tell ya, love can be dirty, messy, ugly, and just plain hard.

To me, love is when I can look into the eyes of another and can speak a conversation without saying a word. Love is the comfort I feel in my heart when I spend quality time in the beauty of nature. Love is the essence children, which my daughter taught me. She is my Angel on earth. Love is the pure joy I feel in my heart when I see an old friend. Love is intoxicating, passionate, and alluring. But you know what love also is? Love is pain, heartache, and regret. Love is saying something mean and immediately regretting it. It's staying by your spouses' side thru years of illness, when anybody else would have quit. Love is the hard cold truth when one doesn't want to hear it. Love is praying for someone when they have hurt you. Love is when your heart hurts so bad that you feel like you could shatter. Love is the difficulty of establishing boundaries, and holding yourself and others accountable. Love is about forgiving the unforgivable.

So there you go. Love is not for the faint of heart. Its so good, yet it hurts so bad. At the moment, I'm feeling hurt by someone I love, someone that is a part of my soul. Hurt by not only their behavior, but deeply hurt at the blatant disregard for themselves. What am I to do? Become bitter and hateful because I've been wounded? No. That's not what this lesson is about. Learning what love really is, how to love, how to be love, is to be open. Love has to be rooted in forgiveness. I have to hold a place in my heart for those that I love, yet put up a protective hand on my own heart. I have to genuinly want the best for them, yet I have to take care of myself. I have to remember them for the beautiful person that is their essence, and I choose to let go of destruction and abuse.

One thing I've learned recently thanks to a dear friend that pointed it out is I have to love myself too. If I am to be whole, healthy, happy, and giving, I have got to take care of myself before I can be there for others. After any hurt, I have to love myself enough to lick my wounds, but also enough to pick myself up, head held high. I am a child of God, and desire to be used for His good. I am open, forgiving, and ready to move forward in faith, ready for all of the blessings life has to offer. This is just getting good!

Life's a Beach

I write this from a bungalow in Playa Grande, Costa Rica. Our quaint bungalow is nestled in the jungle, a short walk from the beach. This tiny town on the Pacific Coast is known for its leatherback turtles and surfing. It is not a crazy resort town, a top destination for spring break, like Cancun. My husband and I decided to take one last relaxing trip, sans dogs and kids. We were in search of some "us" time.

One of the things I love most about my husband is his zeal for life. He is so easy going, and always up for whatever life has to offer. He is older than me, yet he is a kid at heart, so playful and happy. This lesson he continues to teach me, to fully appreciate life, has been one of greatest gifts I have ever received.

I, for one, have had an ongoing love affair with the ocean since the first time i saw it. It is so symbolic of the embodiment of Mother Nature. The ocean is so big, so powerful, and demands so much respect. But yet the ocean is so peaceful, so nuturing, so tranquil.  It's smell is so alluring to me. I love the sound of the waves crashing. I could spend hours lost in myself, staring at wave after wave, in almost a trance-like state.

Yesterday, my husband and I were at the beach. For hours. And I did something that I haven't done since I was a child. I actually played. I played in the water like a 5 year old. i jumped and splashed and swam. My husband and I chased and dived under the waves. We laughed and laughed. It was amazing.

Ok, so I played in the ocean. Big deal, right? But this is huge for me. I glanced at our towels and bags on the beach a few times. The old me would have had my fat, pasty white ass on that towel, on the beach. I would have told myself "I need a tan before..." Or "I don't look good enough in my swim suit" or whatever dumb excuse I used to hold myself back from truly experiencing life. And I probably would have been on that towel for most of our trip, until I was tan enough or whatever.

Truth is, we are our own worst enemies. We can be downright awful to ourselves. I personally am working diligently in removing aspects of myself that are no longer useful. It isn't useful for me to beat myself up over my fair skin or my 20 extra pounds. I'm not going to wait for "ideal" circumstances to start enjoying life. Will some people talk behind my back? You betcha,  but that is their shortcoming, not mine. I've already pissed away 32 years trapped in the fear/shame cycle.

Somewhere along the way, we lose our childlike wonder and enthusiasm. What a shame, for I am beginning to see this is what life is about, wonder and enthusiasm. I always want to be in amazement of life and be eager to experience it. I do not believe we were put on earth to suffer in misery, especially self-imposed misery. Who made up that rule? I guess I have always been somewhat of a rule breaker...

Pura Vida, Amigos!

K

28,000 days

This may be just me, but I've learned over the years that when the universe is trying to tell me something, I'll usually "get the message" in more than one way.

One of these "messages" for me recently is that, on average, we only have 28,000 days here on earth. Wow, that sure doesn't seem like a lot.

I kid you not, I have heard this stat 3 times in the last 24 hours from unrelated sources. Ok, I'm listening...

Let's face it... we have such an unhealthy obsession with money. So, maybe this will put it in perspective for some. If at birth, we were given $1 for every day we were to be alive, in one lump sum, like say $28,000, and you were supposed to spend one dollar every day, how would you choose to spend that dollar?

Would you give it to someone that doesn't value and appreciate your dollar? Would you be reckless with your dollar? Would you use your daily dollar to slowly kill yourself with drugs, alcohol, or food? Would you attempt to hoard your dollars? Would you keep yourself from really living based on fear that your dollars will one day run out? Or are you in denial of the dollar, like if you pretend it doesn't exist, you no longer have to deal with it?

Or...

Would you enjoy that dollar everyday? Would you be giving and generous with that dollar? Would you create memories and moments with that dollar, as that's all we ever have. Would you take in what each day and every dollar had to offer with childlike ease, wonder, and love?

The thing is, every day we wake up and get to spend that dollar, we are beyond blessed. We have been granted the ultimate choice. 

We have the choice to really live in each moment. Somewhere along the way, a lot of us forget this lesson. We get to paint on the canvas of our life in each day. We have the power to choose our life, all it takes is awareness on how we spend our moments.

Today I'm choosing to honor this lesson and live in the moment.

Xo,

K