Depression - Coming Out Of My Closet

I found a video recently that touched my heart in a way that words couldn't begin to describe. It gave me the strength and push to come out of my "closet".
http://tedxtalks.ted.com/video/Coming-Out-of-Your-Closet-Ash-B


I have finally admitted to myself that I suffer from bouts of depression. And for my perfectionist nature, by definition, this means, or meant, that fundamentally, I'm a failure. The last few years have been beyond difficult for me. And at times, I felt like my life, and my physical body, was literally shattering into pieces. I spent so much time and energy trying to prove to myself and to the world that I was invincible. Honestly, I think I felt extreme pressure from my family, my work, societal expectations, whatever, to have it all together. I have always felt like I had to be independent, strong, funny, attractive, thin, financially secure, intelligent, well dressed, and on and on. Truth is, I've spent most of my life feeling insecure and self-conscious, which is very different from the person I have attempted to portray to the world. At times, I feel completely worthless, like a failure and a fraud.

Is depression biological or environmental? I don't know. I personally believe it is both. And I believe that it is a vicious circle, that if you let it, will continue to drag you to the depths of hell, using YOU as the tool of self-destruction. How sad this must be to our Creator that in our weakest moments, we hurt ourselves and cause unbearable pain to ourselves. I did this to myself. I caused myself this pain. I told myself I was worthless. I have no excuses.

 Depression does run rampant in my family lineage. It has left a trail of failed relationships, hurt feelings beyond repair, self-destructive behavior, suicidal tendencies, and big, proud, ugly egos. And the sad part is that these people, at their core, are good people. Deep down, they have big hearts. They are attractive, successful (by society's standards), likeable people carrying this burden around like a death sentence.

I personally choose not be a victim of depression. I know that the power to change these behaviors lies within myself. Yes, depression is chemical, but its also the result of conditioning. And in my case, I believe it is caused by generations of hurt people hurting people. I can change my thinking and my behaviors. I don't have to be a victim in my own life. But I have to be open and honest with myself and others. I know that this journey will not be a straight line. the brain is powerful, especially the subconscious, which is as automatic as breathing. I have to communicate when I'm feel myself slipping to that dark place. And I have to hold myself accountable to being aware that the negative bullshit running rampant in my head isn't true. Im learning that it does no good to myself or others to pretend to be perfect and to always act like I have my shit together. I don't. At all. 

As I write this, I am happy and content. I've had a feeling, for a while now, that this year is my return to physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. I can feel the shift happening, yet I know I'll hit speed bumps along the way. I finally feel brave enough (today anyway) to take control of my life, instead of feeling like I have to live up to my/others' standards/expectations, and then being a victim when I fail. 

I have been blessed with an amazing daughter that has given me the courage and power to break generational patterns. I love her more than I love myself, but I have fought for myself because she deserves better than that. I have an amazing husband who saw me for me, and has been a source of unwavering strength and a healthy example of love. He is beyond grounded, which is invaluable to someone like me. I have amazing friends that never give up on me during times I wanted to give up on myself. At the end of the day all we really have are people, relationships, connections, and LOVE. I sit here, grateful for the grace of God, thankful for my life, and I'm finally excited to LIVE it.


Xo,
K

Love

Love.

What a powerful word.

Love has got to be the most written about topic, yearned for by all. Yet, this word is so elusive. I've spent so much time in my life trying to define it, catch it, nail it down, mis define it, bastardize it. I have confused love with many other things. At times, love has even felt a lot like hate.

I think the problem with our culture's relationship with love is that at its core, love is transcendent, yet we attempt to make it fit our fake world. Love, and the connection that go along with love, are the only real things at the end of the day. What is this life for, if not love. Love is beyond our human limitations, our misery, our illusions, and our drama. It is of our essence, our spirit, and it is most importantly our connection to the divine, our call home. What I know for sure is that our goal here on earth is to really know love.

If I look back on every life lesson I've had, I can see clearly the connection to love. I can see that at the end of the day, love is real when mostly everything around us is imagery.  Love is innate, powerful, and beyond words. If we can get past all of our baggage and drama, we would discover that love, that thing we long for, has always been there, waiting for us. Somewhere along the way I developed this misconception that love is always pretty. Let me tell ya, love can be dirty, messy, ugly, and just plain hard.

To me, love is when I can look into the eyes of another and can speak a conversation without saying a word. Love is the comfort I feel in my heart when I spend quality time in the beauty of nature. Love is the essence children, which my daughter taught me. She is my Angel on earth. Love is the pure joy I feel in my heart when I see an old friend. Love is intoxicating, passionate, and alluring. But you know what love also is? Love is pain, heartache, and regret. Love is saying something mean and immediately regretting it. It's staying by your spouses' side thru years of illness, when anybody else would have quit. Love is the hard cold truth when one doesn't want to hear it. Love is praying for someone when they have hurt you. Love is when your heart hurts so bad that you feel like you could shatter. Love is the difficulty of establishing boundaries, and holding yourself and others accountable. Love is about forgiving the unforgivable.

So there you go. Love is not for the faint of heart. Its so good, yet it hurts so bad. At the moment, I'm feeling hurt by someone I love, someone that is a part of my soul. Hurt by not only their behavior, but deeply hurt at the blatant disregard for themselves. What am I to do? Become bitter and hateful because I've been wounded? No. That's not what this lesson is about. Learning what love really is, how to love, how to be love, is to be open. Love has to be rooted in forgiveness. I have to hold a place in my heart for those that I love, yet put up a protective hand on my own heart. I have to genuinly want the best for them, yet I have to take care of myself. I have to remember them for the beautiful person that is their essence, and I choose to let go of destruction and abuse.

One thing I've learned recently thanks to a dear friend that pointed it out is I have to love myself too. If I am to be whole, healthy, happy, and giving, I have got to take care of myself before I can be there for others. After any hurt, I have to love myself enough to lick my wounds, but also enough to pick myself up, head held high. I am a child of God, and desire to be used for His good. I am open, forgiving, and ready to move forward in faith, ready for all of the blessings life has to offer. This is just getting good!

Life's a Beach

I write this from a bungalow in Playa Grande, Costa Rica. Our quaint bungalow is nestled in the jungle, a short walk from the beach. This tiny town on the Pacific Coast is known for its leatherback turtles and surfing. It is not a crazy resort town, a top destination for spring break, like Cancun. My husband and I decided to take one last relaxing trip, sans dogs and kids. We were in search of some "us" time.

One of the things I love most about my husband is his zeal for life. He is so easy going, and always up for whatever life has to offer. He is older than me, yet he is a kid at heart, so playful and happy. This lesson he continues to teach me, to fully appreciate life, has been one of greatest gifts I have ever received.

I, for one, have had an ongoing love affair with the ocean since the first time i saw it. It is so symbolic of the embodiment of Mother Nature. The ocean is so big, so powerful, and demands so much respect. But yet the ocean is so peaceful, so nuturing, so tranquil.  It's smell is so alluring to me. I love the sound of the waves crashing. I could spend hours lost in myself, staring at wave after wave, in almost a trance-like state.

Yesterday, my husband and I were at the beach. For hours. And I did something that I haven't done since I was a child. I actually played. I played in the water like a 5 year old. i jumped and splashed and swam. My husband and I chased and dived under the waves. We laughed and laughed. It was amazing.

Ok, so I played in the ocean. Big deal, right? But this is huge for me. I glanced at our towels and bags on the beach a few times. The old me would have had my fat, pasty white ass on that towel, on the beach. I would have told myself "I need a tan before..." Or "I don't look good enough in my swim suit" or whatever dumb excuse I used to hold myself back from truly experiencing life. And I probably would have been on that towel for most of our trip, until I was tan enough or whatever.

Truth is, we are our own worst enemies. We can be downright awful to ourselves. I personally am working diligently in removing aspects of myself that are no longer useful. It isn't useful for me to beat myself up over my fair skin or my 20 extra pounds. I'm not going to wait for "ideal" circumstances to start enjoying life. Will some people talk behind my back? You betcha,  but that is their shortcoming, not mine. I've already pissed away 32 years trapped in the fear/shame cycle.

Somewhere along the way, we lose our childlike wonder and enthusiasm. What a shame, for I am beginning to see this is what life is about, wonder and enthusiasm. I always want to be in amazement of life and be eager to experience it. I do not believe we were put on earth to suffer in misery, especially self-imposed misery. Who made up that rule? I guess I have always been somewhat of a rule breaker...

Pura Vida, Amigos!

K

28,000 days

This may be just me, but I've learned over the years that when the universe is trying to tell me something, I'll usually "get the message" in more than one way.

One of these "messages" for me recently is that, on average, we only have 28,000 days here on earth. Wow, that sure doesn't seem like a lot.

I kid you not, I have heard this stat 3 times in the last 24 hours from unrelated sources. Ok, I'm listening...

Let's face it... we have such an unhealthy obsession with money. So, maybe this will put it in perspective for some. If at birth, we were given $1 for every day we were to be alive, in one lump sum, like say $28,000, and you were supposed to spend one dollar every day, how would you choose to spend that dollar?

Would you give it to someone that doesn't value and appreciate your dollar? Would you be reckless with your dollar? Would you use your daily dollar to slowly kill yourself with drugs, alcohol, or food? Would you attempt to hoard your dollars? Would you keep yourself from really living based on fear that your dollars will one day run out? Or are you in denial of the dollar, like if you pretend it doesn't exist, you no longer have to deal with it?

Or...

Would you enjoy that dollar everyday? Would you be giving and generous with that dollar? Would you create memories and moments with that dollar, as that's all we ever have. Would you take in what each day and every dollar had to offer with childlike ease, wonder, and love?

The thing is, every day we wake up and get to spend that dollar, we are beyond blessed. We have been granted the ultimate choice. 

We have the choice to really live in each moment. Somewhere along the way, a lot of us forget this lesson. We get to paint on the canvas of our life in each day. We have the power to choose our life, all it takes is awareness on how we spend our moments.

Today I'm choosing to honor this lesson and live in the moment.

Xo,

K

Valentine

With Valentine's Day right around the corner, I'm sure most parents are scrounging around at the local drugstore buying Valentine's supplies for their children's classrooms, just as I was today. Some of us procrastinate this task, because let's face it, it's not that important to us. It's just some candy and paper cards that will get thrown in the trash. But I propose, that as parents, we look past our cynicism, and encourage our children to be giving.

I wasn't the type of girl/teenager/young adult that knew I wanted to have kids. It wasn't some burning desire that I had. It wasn't my thing. I'm not exactly the perfect housewife/stay at home mom. I'm no Martha Stewart or Betty Crocker. But I will tell you that being a parent has been the most rewarding experience of my life. Parenting, to me, has been the greatest education I could ever hope to obtain. There is real insight and perspective that comes from creating and shaping a human being. (I'll have to dedicate a post to this very topic...)

One thing I have always done as a parent is encourage my daughter to give. I wanted to raise her with a generous spirit, that would make the world a little brighter. Obviously I helped her at an early age, with making cards, coloring pictures, or buying a gift. I would guide her with whom and why to give. But as she has grown older and developed her own personality, I encourage her to do giving acts on her own, to be thoughtful and creative, and to give for no reason at all. Even if I don't necessarily agree with her act of giving, like those penny jars for the vague charity at the supermarket checkout stand, I still encourage her to have the giving spirit in her heart, no questions asked. It's not for me to judge, right?

So I guess this is why I have grown love all the fun holidays that kids celebrate at school. You see, children are born naturally kind, generous, and giving. Think about it. Don't your kids always give away little things that they make? I have a drawer full of crafts, ripped out coloring book pages, notes, and drawings. All of these were made out of pure love for me. My daughter and the neighbor boys are always making bracelets for each other on the rainbow loom, giving each other pretty rocks they found, and exchanging drawings/notes. Taylor and her girl friends from school are always giving each other little gifts and notes. Children get such joy out of this exchange. Yet most of us as adults get stressed out around holidays and the thought of gift exchange.

We have become so jaded to the art of giving. We do it out of obligation. It stresses us out. Did I spend enough? I can't afford to be giving. Is so-and-so going to spend the same amount on me that I spent on them? All of the above are awful excuses, folks. At some point, we lose our natural, innate desire to be kind, giving, and generous. We let it be about the money. We get guarded and cynical. We adopt a scarcity mentality that there is not enough to go around.

Now you see why I enjoy being a parent so much. I would have stayed stuck in that scarcity mentality. I would forever be a cynical Grinch. I never would have seen the truth that giving isn't about what us jaded adults think it is. Giving is about having love in your heart for another, and desiring to show that person in any way you can that you appreciate them. What a beautiful lesson.

xo, 

K

                                                                                     

Don't Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth

I had a big "aha" moment tonight while picking up dinner from a local pizza place.

So lately I have a huge sensitivity to gluten. I have to tell you that being married to a chef and being a total foodie, this has thrown a huge wrench in my lifestyle. Anyway, there is a local pizza place in my town that has a really good gluten-free pizza crust. This wonderful discovery has been the silver lining in my latest dietary restriction adventure. It's been a foggy, gloomy day in Colorado, and my favorite new treat sounded like an awesome idea.

I called in the order for my "special" pizza, and another normal pizza for the rest of the family. It's a small place in the corner unit of a tiny strip mall. There are about 10 tables, a patio, and a walk-up counter off the kitchen to pick up to go orders. This place is locally owned and operated, and many times, you will find the rough-around-the-edges, Chicago-native owner running the front counter.

Tonight, there was a young lady working the counter/dining room. My guess is she is around 19 years old, maybe a little older. She had a long blond ponytail, and was wearing jeans and a grey t-shirt. When I walked up to the counter, I could see that she was obviously in the middle of delivering an order to the one table that was occupied in the restaurant. She was short with me, but I chalked it up to maybe she was having a bad day.

When she was finished, she handed me my two pizzas. I gave her my credit card, and slipped a five dollar bill in the empty tip jar on the counter. (I have spent most of my life in the restaurant business, and feel very strongly about tipping.) After I signed my credit card slip and handed it back to her, she simply walked away and started on another task. She didn't say "thank you", "have a good night", or "thanks for coming in". She said absolutely nothing.

For about 2 seconds, I'll be honest, I was a little ticked. Not that I ever would, but I wanted to say something, or even worse, take the money out of the tip jar. (Awful, I know.) I am not expecting grand accolades for giving her a $5 tip, but it was something I didn't have to do, I chose to be giving in that moment. Her blatant dismissal of my gift stung something in me very harshly. In that moment, it dawned on me why our world is in the shape it's in.

People are not as generous and giving as they should be because some people ruin it for all of us by not being appreciative. Let me be clear that this is about so much more than money or a tip. There are so many different things that someone can give of themselves to another to show love, acceptance, appreciation, empathy, understanding, forgiveness, etc.. Don't let the action get lost in our twisted love of money. Giving material things is (should be) simply an extension of an innate desire to GIVE.

But now I know better so I do better. I know that in my life, I have been that girl more than once. I am working on being gentle with myself, so I don't berate myself for my mistakes and instead make a mental note that I don't want to take other peoples' generosity for granted. I released my anger and instead chose to learn a little life lesson in that pizza place.

My wish for you is to not let a select few ruin your giving nature. Continue to be giving, and don't forget to appreciate others when they are giving to you. Don't get frustrated that some people just "don't get it". Instead, choose to focus on the joy of giving and receiving love to others, and release your expectations of reciprocation. If you get reciprocation in a moment of giving, that is so awesome! If not, know that you did the right thing, and move on to the next beautiful moment that life has to offer.

xo,
K

Decline of Casual Dining - What Wall Street Cannot Measure

Every person has their own point of reference in life, or perception, that colors how they see and experience life. Here is my point of reference on the shift happening right now in which I see our culture moving towards social consciousness.

I read an article the other day about the decline of the casual dining segment, which includes Olive Garden, Chili's, Red Robin, Cheesecake Factory, etc. The article outlines the continuing decline of sales in this segment over the last few quarters. And they are losing sales to the fast-casual segment, which includes Panera, Garbanzo, Noodles, Five Guys, and Qdoba, just to name a few. Interestingly enough, my husband have been having this same belief that the casual dining segment is in the tubes, and that the Fast Casual segment is becoming more and more relevant to society.

"The big question is whether these restaurants are going through a brief dry spell, or are they suffering a permanent trend downward? There's a few different ways to look at the problem."

The article was based around a typical Wall Street ideology that the reason is because of the economy. The author of the article also points out that the decline has to do with the outdated menus, and that these big chains need to reconnect with their customer base, but again, he only mentions using natural, locally sourced ingredients.
http://www.dailyfinance.com/2014/01/11/why-red-lobster-olive-garden-and-their-casual-dini/


But I have a different theory, and it goes a lot deeper than these restaurant chains.

I think people are developing a social consciousness. I think people want to go to a restaurant, coffee shop, clothing store, whatever, that makes them FEEL good about being in said establishment and spending their money. The great thing today is we have so many choices in just about everything we buy, and we can cast our vote for the type of society we want with how we choose to spend our money.

In my opinion, people are opting out of the casual dining segment because of something Wall Street cannot measure. And yes, food quality is a big factor, obviously, but what about the subjective stuff, like the genuine positive energy, transparency, and being truly valued as a customer? People are becoming more and more aware everyday of the gap between a "canned" and "corporate" feel versus a "unique" and "local" feel. People are becoming increasingly loyal to establishments that can "walk the walk". They want to go to a restaurant/coffee shop/store that gives them a positive EXPERIENCE. They want the place to have good energy, with employees that are happy and genuine, and they want said establishments to have a sense of community. What we are seeing is that it takes more than good food to be a good restaurant.

I am not saying all corporations are bad. Look at Starbucks. They have managed to create a company, and a large one at that, with a "soul". Howard Shultz, the guy behind Starbucks said in a recent interview, "A great, enduring company must have a conscious; a balance between profitability and social conscientiousness."

Think about it like this: Families prior to the 1970s ate predominately homemade meals, as a family. Then, in the late 60s/early 70s, the casual dining boom began and really caught steam in the 1980s.  I believe that originally these institutional pioneers wanted to create a positive experience, a place of human connections, around an endearing social ritual, eating. These restaurants grew at a massive rate, thus becoming what we call today, 'chain restaurants'. And in that growth, some people saw the possibility of massive profits, and Wall Street got on the bandwagon. Don't get me wrong, I am not anti-profit, but I think there is line we cross when we take much more than we need, and cause suffering for those that aren't strong enough to take what belongs to them.

Wall Street is blinded to the things that matter like people, by the endless pursuit of yield and profit. I hope I am right about this shift in our world. I hope that a connection, social awareness, transparency, passion, and love are all going to eventually trump profits.