Depression - Coming Out Of My Closet

I found a video recently that touched my heart in a way that words couldn't begin to describe. It gave me the strength and push to come out of my "closet".
http://tedxtalks.ted.com/video/Coming-Out-of-Your-Closet-Ash-B


I have finally admitted to myself that I suffer from bouts of depression. And for my perfectionist nature, by definition, this means, or meant, that fundamentally, I'm a failure. The last few years have been beyond difficult for me. And at times, I felt like my life, and my physical body, was literally shattering into pieces. I spent so much time and energy trying to prove to myself and to the world that I was invincible. Honestly, I think I felt extreme pressure from my family, my work, societal expectations, whatever, to have it all together. I have always felt like I had to be independent, strong, funny, attractive, thin, financially secure, intelligent, well dressed, and on and on. Truth is, I've spent most of my life feeling insecure and self-conscious, which is very different from the person I have attempted to portray to the world. At times, I feel completely worthless, like a failure and a fraud.

Is depression biological or environmental? I don't know. I personally believe it is both. And I believe that it is a vicious circle, that if you let it, will continue to drag you to the depths of hell, using YOU as the tool of self-destruction. How sad this must be to our Creator that in our weakest moments, we hurt ourselves and cause unbearable pain to ourselves. I did this to myself. I caused myself this pain. I told myself I was worthless. I have no excuses.

 Depression does run rampant in my family lineage. It has left a trail of failed relationships, hurt feelings beyond repair, self-destructive behavior, suicidal tendencies, and big, proud, ugly egos. And the sad part is that these people, at their core, are good people. Deep down, they have big hearts. They are attractive, successful (by society's standards), likeable people carrying this burden around like a death sentence.

I personally choose not be a victim of depression. I know that the power to change these behaviors lies within myself. Yes, depression is chemical, but its also the result of conditioning. And in my case, I believe it is caused by generations of hurt people hurting people. I can change my thinking and my behaviors. I don't have to be a victim in my own life. But I have to be open and honest with myself and others. I know that this journey will not be a straight line. the brain is powerful, especially the subconscious, which is as automatic as breathing. I have to communicate when I'm feel myself slipping to that dark place. And I have to hold myself accountable to being aware that the negative bullshit running rampant in my head isn't true. Im learning that it does no good to myself or others to pretend to be perfect and to always act like I have my shit together. I don't. At all. 

As I write this, I am happy and content. I've had a feeling, for a while now, that this year is my return to physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. I can feel the shift happening, yet I know I'll hit speed bumps along the way. I finally feel brave enough (today anyway) to take control of my life, instead of feeling like I have to live up to my/others' standards/expectations, and then being a victim when I fail. 

I have been blessed with an amazing daughter that has given me the courage and power to break generational patterns. I love her more than I love myself, but I have fought for myself because she deserves better than that. I have an amazing husband who saw me for me, and has been a source of unwavering strength and a healthy example of love. He is beyond grounded, which is invaluable to someone like me. I have amazing friends that never give up on me during times I wanted to give up on myself. At the end of the day all we really have are people, relationships, connections, and LOVE. I sit here, grateful for the grace of God, thankful for my life, and I'm finally excited to LIVE it.


Xo,
K

Love

Love.

What a powerful word.

Love has got to be the most written about topic, yearned for by all. Yet, this word is so elusive. I've spent so much time in my life trying to define it, catch it, nail it down, mis define it, bastardize it. I have confused love with many other things. At times, love has even felt a lot like hate.

I think the problem with our culture's relationship with love is that at its core, love is transcendent, yet we attempt to make it fit our fake world. Love, and the connection that go along with love, are the only real things at the end of the day. What is this life for, if not love. Love is beyond our human limitations, our misery, our illusions, and our drama. It is of our essence, our spirit, and it is most importantly our connection to the divine, our call home. What I know for sure is that our goal here on earth is to really know love.

If I look back on every life lesson I've had, I can see clearly the connection to love. I can see that at the end of the day, love is real when mostly everything around us is imagery.  Love is innate, powerful, and beyond words. If we can get past all of our baggage and drama, we would discover that love, that thing we long for, has always been there, waiting for us. Somewhere along the way I developed this misconception that love is always pretty. Let me tell ya, love can be dirty, messy, ugly, and just plain hard.

To me, love is when I can look into the eyes of another and can speak a conversation without saying a word. Love is the comfort I feel in my heart when I spend quality time in the beauty of nature. Love is the essence children, which my daughter taught me. She is my Angel on earth. Love is the pure joy I feel in my heart when I see an old friend. Love is intoxicating, passionate, and alluring. But you know what love also is? Love is pain, heartache, and regret. Love is saying something mean and immediately regretting it. It's staying by your spouses' side thru years of illness, when anybody else would have quit. Love is the hard cold truth when one doesn't want to hear it. Love is praying for someone when they have hurt you. Love is when your heart hurts so bad that you feel like you could shatter. Love is the difficulty of establishing boundaries, and holding yourself and others accountable. Love is about forgiving the unforgivable.

So there you go. Love is not for the faint of heart. Its so good, yet it hurts so bad. At the moment, I'm feeling hurt by someone I love, someone that is a part of my soul. Hurt by not only their behavior, but deeply hurt at the blatant disregard for themselves. What am I to do? Become bitter and hateful because I've been wounded? No. That's not what this lesson is about. Learning what love really is, how to love, how to be love, is to be open. Love has to be rooted in forgiveness. I have to hold a place in my heart for those that I love, yet put up a protective hand on my own heart. I have to genuinly want the best for them, yet I have to take care of myself. I have to remember them for the beautiful person that is their essence, and I choose to let go of destruction and abuse.

One thing I've learned recently thanks to a dear friend that pointed it out is I have to love myself too. If I am to be whole, healthy, happy, and giving, I have got to take care of myself before I can be there for others. After any hurt, I have to love myself enough to lick my wounds, but also enough to pick myself up, head held high. I am a child of God, and desire to be used for His good. I am open, forgiving, and ready to move forward in faith, ready for all of the blessings life has to offer. This is just getting good!