Competition and Women

We live in a highly competitive society. And we encourage competition in our children, whether it be with their siblings, or with their peers. We encourage our children to be competitive in sports, in grades, in appearance, and in abilities. This competition thing can quickly spiral out of control into seriously destructive behavior, especially when we allow it to manifest negativity towards each other and ourselves, such as jealousy and insecurity. This pattern starts out so innocently, but high school may as well be prep school for the cutthroat world, ultimately teaching us how to define ourselves (by societal standards), how to judge, and how to hate.

For some reason, this competition thing is on a different level when it is between women. Women are so judgmental, harsh, critical, snotty, catty, disrespectful, undermining to each other. We can be downright brutal and cruel to fellow women. This behavior has got to stop. Women should have the joy and support that comes with loving and accepting other women as friends.

Let me tell you a story about my neighbor...

Ashleigh moved in right next door to me about  2 years ago. She was a southern belle from Georgia, and she was cute as a button. Not only that, she was a Zumba instructor and had a killer body. And she had a picture perfect family, nice house, cute clothes, and she was always perky/happy. I immediately hated her (kidding). But seriously, deep down, I was suspicious. Nobody can be that perfect, I thought. She secretly must be a real bitch...

Of course, I learned very quickly how wrong I was in my initial judgment.

Over the last few years, I have gotten to know Ashleigh. Ashleigh is not only my neighbor, but she is also a friend. Our families spend time together. Our children attend school together. We have several mutual friends.  And, of course, we Zumba together. If I need anything, from an emergency babysitter or to borrow a cup of flour, I know I can count on Ashleigh. Heck, even if a need a girls night and a shoulder to cry on, I know I can also, count on Ashleigh.

What I quickly discovered about Ashleigh is that she is one of the most genuine people I have ever met. She is real. I have never seen Ashleigh put on a front or pretend to be something she is not. Ashleigh is the kindest, sweetest person I have had the pleasure of knowing. I trust Ashleigh. And let me tell you... the reason that Ashleigh is gorgeous is because she is beautiful on the inside, and she honors her body. She eats healthy and exercises. She earned every right to be beautiful and confident.

My point is that we need to let go of our old mindsets and ideologies, and we need to be aware of all of the Ashleigh's in the world. We have to stop being jealous, critical, judgmental and hateful of other women. We have to start loving and appreciating other women for who they are. We have to start appreciating and accepting the strength other women can offer us. Today, I am blessed to have several amazing relationships with some of the most incredible women. I am really thankful that Ashleigh changed my mind.

K

A Case For Positivity

I consider myself to be a recovering Negaholic. And as I look back on my life, I am saddened by the time and energy I wasted being filled with negativity. It greatly upsets me to see the relationships I ruined and the bridges I have burned, and to see the truth that all along, I was my own worst enemy.

As I have pulled myself slowly from the grips of negativity, the perspective I now have gives me personal insight into this very powerful group of emotions.

When I think of negativity and all that falls under its umbrella, (hate, jealousy, grief, tension, regret, fear, embarrassment, etc.) I can now see that these are strictly earthly elements. These negative emotions are like low-lying fog. Also, I now realize that negativity is actually pretty selfish, and self-serving (or so we think). Negativity is purely ego-driven, and when we operate out of negativity constantly, we really cannot get over ourselves, outside of our own misery. It is like having blinders on to the rest of humanity. It's a very "you vs. me" mentality, instead of "us". Because truly, at the end of the day, we are in this thing called life together; we are all connected.

Think about it: when you are angry or negative, it can completely consume you. You can't think about hardly anything else. And in my experience, the more angry I was about something, the more it took over my mind. The hardest part is that when we are stuck in our fog, it can be impossible to see anything  and believe anything but the fog. Then we start to believe that the world is just completely foggy. Which rationally, we know isn't true. The clouds can cover the sun and blue sky, but it is always there.

Conversely, positive energy vibrates at a higher level. If we consistently choose to operate at a higher level, in which our intentions come from a place of love, joy, peace, hope, understanding, and compassion, the possibilities are endless. We have the power to inspire, to heal, to teach, to guide, and to uplift each other. Yes, here on earth, negativity has a strong pull, like gravity, but it can be overcome ultimately by positivity. Truly positive emotions are the essence of spiritual love, no matter what your beliefs, no matter who your God is.

The good news is that we have the power to lift our own fog. Fog can feel safe to us, especially when that's all we know. It is protection. If we don't let anyone into our world and hurt anyone that comes near, it does keep up protected (and lonely).  Unfortunately, it isn't that easy, and as I know from personal experience, negativity doesn't get us anywhere. I have also learned that it is impossible for me to hold both negativity and positivity in my heart at the same time. And I cannot fulfill my life's purpose filled with bad thoughts and a grim mindset.

Being negative is a personal choice. How do I change this behavior, you ask? I recommend baby steps towards positivity. You will not be perfect 100% of the time, and no one else is either. Focus on your wonderful gifts that make you unique. Make a point to practice gratitude daily, especially in the little things. If you catch yourself engaging in negative self-talk (i.e.. I'm too fat, I am not good enough, nobody loves me), divert your attention to something positive, like a good book or good company. And do not talk bad about others. Ever. And most importantly, WHEN you do get off track, don't berate yourself and throw in the towel because you believe you cannot do it. Let it go, and do better the next time, in the next situation.

 I now choose to live positively. No I am absolutely not perfect 100% of the time. But I feel better and believe that I am being the change I wish to see in the world. I am more aware of my impact on my environment and have developed a social conscience. I am also more aware of my abundant blessings. When I take the time to look around me, I am astounded by the love and support that I wasn't aware I had, and I am so grateful that I am not wasting any more of my time and energy on negativity.

K

The Whole Is The Sum Of Its Parts

I had a great conversation this morning with my mother. We got on the topic of happiness and joy. We both have read many times, in many ways, that if you want to be happy, help someone else. I must admit that in my analytical mind, this ideology has never really made complete sense. I have always thought this was, to some degree, BS, or some sort of method to control society with "niceness". Not that I wouldn't and haven't helped people along the way, but in my mind, the correlation between the two had never fully clicked. I guess I had always pictured myself, in my darkest moments, literally volunteering 8 hours a day at a homeless shelter or retirement home, and I always thought, "What good would I be to anyone in this state of mind." I honestly didn't want to subject people to my misery, and felt that in those moments, I had nothing positive to give.

You don't find happiness... Happiness finds you when you finally have the courage to let go of the pursuit of the image of perfection.

It dawned on me during this conversation that I take things way too literally! And somehow, it clicked that the idea behind giving to others to give to yourself really means that we can give goodness, kindness, joy, and peace to others in seemingly insignificant ways in any given moment. I realized that if we can take ourselves out of our ego, and away from our selfish suffering for 5 seconds,  we can look around us, see others that are also suffering, and offer them something good. That is the key to finding happiness.

I know that pain can be highly distracting. It can consume our entire being. And I am talking physical and emotional pain. Just because you can't see an ailment, doesn't mean its not there. And we all have some sort of pain. Some people's is a great deal more intense than others, just as gash isn't as intense as a small cut.

I am definitely not trying to downplay anyone's pain. We could all be more sensitive to the "ailments" of others, physical and emotional. But the underlying lesson is that we are all connected, and our goal is not to shun others, but embrace others. We live in such a crazy busy world that it is so easy to get lost in ourselves and our own drama. But what if we could step outside of that paradigm to help just one other person. It could be as simple as letting someone go ahead in front of you in line at the grocery store, because you obviously see that they are in a hurry. Or you anonymously leave a kind note for someone that you admire. Or a sincere smile for someone that appears to be having a rough day. But don't have expectations of immediate reciprocation of kindness and generosity. But I assure you, you will get it back in other ways and other times, exactly when you need it.

The key to giving to others is to "see" others and yourself in the entire situation. Seek to understand how the whole is the sum of its parts, and realizing that you are one of the "parts". It is about letting go of your ego long enough to be aware of your surroundings, and the potentially positive impact you could have on someone in need (or the negative impact you could have by being unkind and insensitive).

What I mean by "we are all connected" is that we cannot be with those we love (children, spouses, siblings, parents, friends) at all times. And those we love will be out in the world alone, and often. Wouldn't we want those that we love to be treated with kindness and respect by others? Don't we get so angry when those we love are wronged? So shouldn't we treat strangers and acquaintances with kindness and love just like we would want others to do? This process has to start somewhere...I say with you and me, right here and now.

"Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness."
-James Thurber

K

Advice for the younger me...

As I embark on a new year of my life, I have been reflecting on what has been and what is to come. If I could, I would have let myself in on a few secrets I have learned along my path. I would have told my younger self that in the end, everything is going to be just fine. I would let myself know that I do not have to fight so hard, and that being me is enough. Here are some things I would say to the younger me.

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Question EVERYTHING, not in a disrespectful fashion, but always keep your insatiable thirst for knowledge. Empower yourself, as you are no one else's responsibility but your own. Learn to think for yourself and create your own truth with the application of acquired knowledge. Don't be a victim of brainwashing because you haven't sought out the answers for yourself.

Learn who you are, what you believe, what is important to you, and why it's important. Dig into the depths of your soul to see who you really are, and accept and love yourself wholly. Don't be a bystander in your life. Accept responsibility. Make the positive changes that are within your power. Don't get lost in trying to fix things that you have no control over. Remember that you are real, not fake. You have flaws and that is wonderful, for flaws create character. It will be hard, especially as a woman, to keep your focus on who you really are in the midst of the world's unrealistic pursuit of perfection. That pursuit of perfection is just an image. Inner peace comes from loving yourself in imperfection.

Operate with integrity in all that you do. Be impeccable with your word, which is a lost concept on the modern world.  Honesty breeds trust, and trust is the most basic building block of character. Speak kindly and honestly. Do what you say, say what you mean.

Be patient with yourself. If you look at the cyclical nature of life, we are not meant to move from a newborn to being the best, wisest, most capable adult. Everything we do is the result of learning, practicing, and application. Learn to appreciate the transitional times and find value in all of life's lessons, no matter how difficult. Remember that every place you have been was exactly where you were supposed to be.

Be a gracious winner, and a gracious loser, in all situations.

Practice gratitude everyday. Count your blessing constantly. Gratitude is cleansing for the soul. It shows you that despite where you think you should be, or what you think you should have, you have come so far and are just fine right where you are.

Find the joy in simplicity. Don't take more than you need. And be giving, always. Be aware of yourself and of others, and the impact you are making in this world. Be responsible for that impact.

Travel anywhere and everywhere you can, whether it's across the world or across the state. Seek to understand the place you are visiting, and the people that live there. Be a gracious guest to their community. Take in and appreciate their culture. Traveling creates perspective.

Appreciate beauty anywhere you find it, whether it is in nature or in another's heart. It is there to subtly remind you of what is truly important in life. Never lose your childlike wonder in all things that astound you. If you look hard enough, you can find God's grace everywhere. Continue to be inspired by the amazing fact that everything in this life is so complex, yet so very simple.

Honor what makes you happy, not what the world thinks should make you happy.

There is a season to everything. A season to be young and hot and a season to be wrinkled and wise. Enjoy each season. Don't get ahead of yourself, or left behind. Appreciate your God-given talents and use them for each season of your life.

You will always find what you are looking for. The choices you make today, impact your life tomorrow. Always be aware of the intentions of your heart.

Be patient with others, for they are fighting their own demons. If someone doesn't love you the way you think they should, it doesn't mean they don't love you at all. Love others, but not to the point where you are no longer loving yourself. If people don't value and respect you, you can choose to love them from a distance.

Complaining is absolutely useless. If you don't like something, do something about it.

You don't have to fight so hard. If your intentions are good, and you have action behind your intentions, you will move in the right direction. Don't push so hard, and remember the season thing.

Don't engage in gossip. It creates negativity in the soul.

Where there is fear, there is doubt. Doubt creates negativity, and negativity is toxic to the soul. So when you are fearful, it is your responsibility to seek the answers within yourself to release the fear, instead of becoming consumed with doubt.

Negativity is a highly toxic, contagious virus. But you have the power to control whether or not you catch negativity. Spread love and truth, and eliminate hate. At times, It will be difficult to navigate through the constant false truths and remember who the real enemy is.

You are an emotional being. It is ok to FEEL life. Don't ever try to numb or hide from your emotions, as that leads to problems so big you can't even imagine. Do not be ashamed to be human.

Take care of your body. I don't mean diet to the extreme to be thin, or exercise too much. I mean appreciate the earthly vessel your soul has been given to borrow. Treat it with respect. Listen to what it is saying. Give it what it needs to thrive. You really are what you eat. If you want to be healthy and feel good, do not put crap in and on your body.

And finally, I would tell myself:

You are stronger than you realize. No matter how hard it will be, and the incredible amount of pain you will endure, you shall overcome any obstacle put in front of your. Keep your faith, always.

Much Love,
K

Remember Who You Are

Sometimes (ok, a lot of the time) I catch myself engaging in self-defeating thoughts... You aren't good enough for that. You are definitely not smart enough to ever do that. You aren't strong enough... Blah, blah, blah.

It is so easy in today's world to feel unworthy and lack confidence in our endeavors. It can be difficult to stay focused on our paths. We get so caught up in what we think we should be doing, what we should be thinking, what we should be wearing, what car we should be driving, etc. We live in a world of expectations, and sadly most of the time, I don't think they are our own expectations. There is nothing wrong with having high standards and living by those standards, but it is important to remember who's expectations you are striving for.

And don't shrink down because other people don't agree with how you are living your life and create their own expectations for you. If you are living your truth, and you feel good about it, it is no one else's judgment call to make on how you live your life. People will form their self-righteous opinions about you, and unfortunately that is their God-given right (people have the free will to be jerks). Ignore them, and find people that do support you.

Truth is, we weren't designed to be shrinking violets. We weren't created to simply exist and suffer. We are powerful beyond measure. We are all intelligent, creative, competent beings that have been given special talents and skills that are helpful in our lives to contribute to the greater good. Deep down, we all have something to give to the world, whether it is time, compassion, love, beauty, joy, intellect, peace, etc.

In the past, I spent far too much time worrying about what others thought of me. What a useless thing to do! Even if you are Mother Teresa, some people will still not like you and say mean things. This is just the hateful world we live in.

Now, it matters to me what I think of myself. Am I living truthfully? Am I kind to others? Do I do my best to make others lives better? Am I honest? Am I giving? If I can answer 'yes' to my own moral code of conduct, then it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks. No one really knows what is in your heart but you and your creator, so don't let others with extremely limited knowledge tell you who you are. In the end, we all end up alone, so who cares about the naysayers?  I am getting there...

Live Your Truth,

K

Quality Over Quantity

For many years, I have come to really, really dislike the holidays. Don't get me wrong; I love the sights, smells, and sounds. I love Christmas lights, especially the plain old white ones, traditional and classy. I love the smell of holiday baking. I get a warm, fuzzy feeling when I see houses in my neighborhood decorated beautifully. It makes me feel like a kid again. It is the impending feeling of overwhelming obligation that I despise...

We live in a society in which free thought is definitely not encouraged. We are told how to feel, what to think, what types of possessions we should want for, what food we should buy, etc. To me, the holidays have become a profitable extension of this ideology, some massive marketing machine exploiting the hard-working people of America. And what I have come to realize is that it makes me feel really dirty to contribute to it.

This year, I have a new mindset regarding the holidays. I am choosing to place my focus on what is important to me, which is love and family. I guess I was forced into this mindset against my will, as my health is in no position for me to go into overdrive this holiday season without serious consequences. In fact, I am fighting my first migraine in 4 months as I write this, which I am sure is partially from the stress of the season. Our bodies are very intelligent and capable folks...And after years of the fight or flight response triggered by  constant stress, your body will become extra-sensitive and highly delicate, capable of collapse at the slightest stressor.

This year, I am actually going to enjoy the holiday season, and do what I can to make it enjoyable for others. This year I am finally going for quality over quantity. I have been taking a moment to appreciate the beauty of my lovely surroundings when I visit my local downtown area for errands. I have been enjoying my favorite holiday beverages (dairy-free, of course) from my local coffee shop. I even had a slice of pumpkin pie!

I have gone to extra lengths to make sure my home is comfortable and inviting. It smells of vanilla and pine. I actually sent out Christmas cards to friends and family both far and near to let them know that they are always in our thoughts.

I am even taking a new approach to Christmas shopping. We all have more than we need, which is why all of our crap collects in closets and garages. I don't want to continue to teach my children to take more than they need in this world. I want to make sure that the people I love get items that are useful and something special to make them smile (we all deserve small luxuries!). I have also been doing most of my shopping at local businesses, when I can. I am tired of supporting the Big Box giants of the world. Yes, they may have cheaper prices, but we pay for it somewhere else. I'd rather help support my local economy and keep jobs available for my community.

It's only the first week of December, but since I have relaxed my standards of myself this holiday season, it is already that much more rewarding. I have decided to make my intention about enjoying the holiday season, and remembering what is truly important. And that has made all the difference.

PS - If you can, give this holiday season. Even if it's a dollar. The holidays are like a pep rally for mankind; a glimpse of what we could be all the time, if we all became the loving, giving species we were designed to be. What a perfect time to practice opening your heart!

Much Love,
K

Racism is Alive and Well...

According to Merriam-Webster online, racism is defined as the following:

- a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race


Now I will not speak about racism in the world today. I have been fortunate enough to travel a little, and I have found that far more people are loving and accepting of other races/cultures than not, which is an amazing achievement for the human race. However, in my small world, racism is alive and well. And before any of you get too high and mighty, I can think of people I know from every walk of life that are racist/prejudice. This isn't limited to "white" people, as is the general perception.

A large number of us that have family lineage that has been in America for generations are not strictly "white Europeans". Don't get me wrong...There is nothing wrong with people whom are fair-skinned or Europeans, however, there are people in this country that are still hateful and judgmental towards those that are fair-skinned, thinking they have some sort of huge advantage in society.

I have researched my family history over the last few years. On my mothers side, I can trace my ancestry back to about the 1200s. My mother's lineage includes English, Spanish, Cuban, and Native American. My dad's side was not as easy to trace, as I can only go back a few generations, but his lineage includes Italian and Czech, possibly Jewish. My dad's family has only been in America since the early 1900s.

The unique thing about America is that we are a diverse group of people. We have the most cultures and ethnicities in our country than any other country in the world. And I love REAL diversity. I am not talking about Affirmative Action, which I think is a small-minded idea. I love melding ideologies, traditions, cultures, and elements. If applied in a positive way, diversity can lead to real magic and love in the world, for our different perspectives are what leads to real problem-solving and peace. 

We have this fascination in America of trying to 'police' or judge others, and then having a strong desire to "equalize" based on the perceived advantages/disadvantages of others, which I think lends to the still highly racially charged environment that is current America.

I think the goal should be to move away from the fear we have about people/things we don't understand. We have to remove our judgment and the hate we have been taught by our formative years. We should not continue to be defined by our skin color or culture, but rather by our character. That is what diversity is about. We are all unique. We have different experiences, perspectives, and talents that make us who we are. And we all have something POSITIVE to add to the world, if we can push back our ego, hate, and judgment to let it shine.

We all have our cross to bear. Every one of us is born with advantages and disadvantages. Yes, I have fair skin and blue eyes, but don't think for one second my life is all glitter and butterflies based on my outward appearance. My life has been hard, as many other peoples' lives have been hard. It is in the trials and tribulations that we learn our life lessons, gain insight and wisdom, and ultimately find peace through the love and acceptance of ALL OTHERS, regardless of how they may be different from yourself.

Distance yourself from small-minded, hateful people. You can still love them, but don't continue to engage with their BS. This just perpetuates the problem...

Stop the hate,
K