I found a video recently that touched my heart in a way that words couldn't begin to describe. It gave me the strength and push to come out of my "closet".
http://tedxtalks.ted.com/video/Coming-Out-of-Your-Closet-Ash-B
I have finally admitted to myself that I suffer from bouts of depression. And for my perfectionist nature, by definition, this means, or meant, that fundamentally, I'm a failure. The last few years have been beyond difficult for me. And at times, I felt like my life, and my physical body, was literally shattering into pieces. I spent so much time and energy trying to prove to myself and to the world that I was invincible. Honestly, I think I felt extreme pressure from my family, my work, societal expectations, whatever, to have it all together. I have always felt like I had to be independent, strong, funny, attractive, thin, financially secure, intelligent, well dressed, and on and on. Truth is, I've spent most of my life feeling insecure and self-conscious, which is very different from the person I have attempted to portray to the world. At times, I feel completely worthless, like a failure and a fraud.
Is depression biological or environmental? I don't know. I personally believe it is both. And I believe that it is a vicious circle, that if you let it, will continue to drag you to the depths of hell, using YOU as the tool of self-destruction. How sad this must be to our Creator that in our weakest moments, we hurt ourselves and cause unbearable pain to ourselves. I did this to myself. I caused myself this pain. I told myself I was worthless. I have no excuses.
Depression does run rampant in my family lineage. It has left a trail of failed relationships, hurt feelings beyond repair, self-destructive behavior, suicidal tendencies, and big, proud, ugly egos. And the sad part is that these people, at their core, are good people. Deep down, they have big hearts. They are attractive, successful (by society's standards), likeable people carrying this burden around like a death sentence.
I personally choose not be a victim of depression. I know that the power to change these behaviors lies within myself. Yes, depression is chemical, but its also the result of conditioning. And in my case, I believe it is caused by generations of hurt people hurting people. I can change my thinking and my behaviors. I don't have to be a victim in my own life. But I have to be open and honest with myself and others. I know that this journey will not be a straight line. the brain is powerful, especially the subconscious, which is as automatic as breathing. I have to communicate when I'm feel myself slipping to that dark place. And I have to hold myself accountable to being aware that the negative bullshit running rampant in my head isn't true. Im learning that it does no good to myself or others to pretend to be perfect and to always act like I have my shit together. I don't. At all.
As I write this, I am happy and content. I've had a feeling, for a while now, that this year is my return to physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. I can feel the shift happening, yet I know I'll hit speed bumps along the way. I finally feel brave enough (today anyway) to take control of my life, instead of feeling like I have to live up to my/others' standards/expectations, and then being a victim when I fail.
I have been blessed with an amazing daughter that has given me the courage and power to break generational patterns. I love her more than I love myself, but I have fought for myself because she deserves better than that. I have an amazing husband who saw me for me, and has been a source of unwavering strength and a healthy example of love. He is beyond grounded, which is invaluable to someone like me. I have amazing friends that never give up on me during times I wanted to give up on myself. At the end of the day all we really have are people, relationships, connections, and LOVE. I sit here, grateful for the grace of God, thankful for my life, and I'm finally excited to LIVE it.
Xo,
K
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