Competition and Women

We live in a highly competitive society. And we encourage competition in our children, whether it be with their siblings, or with their peers. We encourage our children to be competitive in sports, in grades, in appearance, and in abilities. This competition thing can quickly spiral out of control into seriously destructive behavior, especially when we allow it to manifest negativity towards each other and ourselves, such as jealousy and insecurity. This pattern starts out so innocently, but high school may as well be prep school for the cutthroat world, ultimately teaching us how to define ourselves (by societal standards), how to judge, and how to hate.

For some reason, this competition thing is on a different level when it is between women. Women are so judgmental, harsh, critical, snotty, catty, disrespectful, undermining to each other. We can be downright brutal and cruel to fellow women. This behavior has got to stop. Women should have the joy and support that comes with loving and accepting other women as friends.

Let me tell you a story about my neighbor...

Ashleigh moved in right next door to me about  2 years ago. She was a southern belle from Georgia, and she was cute as a button. Not only that, she was a Zumba instructor and had a killer body. And she had a picture perfect family, nice house, cute clothes, and she was always perky/happy. I immediately hated her (kidding). But seriously, deep down, I was suspicious. Nobody can be that perfect, I thought. She secretly must be a real bitch...

Of course, I learned very quickly how wrong I was in my initial judgment.

Over the last few years, I have gotten to know Ashleigh. Ashleigh is not only my neighbor, but she is also a friend. Our families spend time together. Our children attend school together. We have several mutual friends.  And, of course, we Zumba together. If I need anything, from an emergency babysitter or to borrow a cup of flour, I know I can count on Ashleigh. Heck, even if a need a girls night and a shoulder to cry on, I know I can also, count on Ashleigh.

What I quickly discovered about Ashleigh is that she is one of the most genuine people I have ever met. She is real. I have never seen Ashleigh put on a front or pretend to be something she is not. Ashleigh is the kindest, sweetest person I have had the pleasure of knowing. I trust Ashleigh. And let me tell you... the reason that Ashleigh is gorgeous is because she is beautiful on the inside, and she honors her body. She eats healthy and exercises. She earned every right to be beautiful and confident.

My point is that we need to let go of our old mindsets and ideologies, and we need to be aware of all of the Ashleigh's in the world. We have to stop being jealous, critical, judgmental and hateful of other women. We have to start loving and appreciating other women for who they are. We have to start appreciating and accepting the strength other women can offer us. Today, I am blessed to have several amazing relationships with some of the most incredible women. I am really thankful that Ashleigh changed my mind.

K

A Case For Positivity

I consider myself to be a recovering Negaholic. And as I look back on my life, I am saddened by the time and energy I wasted being filled with negativity. It greatly upsets me to see the relationships I ruined and the bridges I have burned, and to see the truth that all along, I was my own worst enemy.

As I have pulled myself slowly from the grips of negativity, the perspective I now have gives me personal insight into this very powerful group of emotions.

When I think of negativity and all that falls under its umbrella, (hate, jealousy, grief, tension, regret, fear, embarrassment, etc.) I can now see that these are strictly earthly elements. These negative emotions are like low-lying fog. Also, I now realize that negativity is actually pretty selfish, and self-serving (or so we think). Negativity is purely ego-driven, and when we operate out of negativity constantly, we really cannot get over ourselves, outside of our own misery. It is like having blinders on to the rest of humanity. It's a very "you vs. me" mentality, instead of "us". Because truly, at the end of the day, we are in this thing called life together; we are all connected.

Think about it: when you are angry or negative, it can completely consume you. You can't think about hardly anything else. And in my experience, the more angry I was about something, the more it took over my mind. The hardest part is that when we are stuck in our fog, it can be impossible to see anything  and believe anything but the fog. Then we start to believe that the world is just completely foggy. Which rationally, we know isn't true. The clouds can cover the sun and blue sky, but it is always there.

Conversely, positive energy vibrates at a higher level. If we consistently choose to operate at a higher level, in which our intentions come from a place of love, joy, peace, hope, understanding, and compassion, the possibilities are endless. We have the power to inspire, to heal, to teach, to guide, and to uplift each other. Yes, here on earth, negativity has a strong pull, like gravity, but it can be overcome ultimately by positivity. Truly positive emotions are the essence of spiritual love, no matter what your beliefs, no matter who your God is.

The good news is that we have the power to lift our own fog. Fog can feel safe to us, especially when that's all we know. It is protection. If we don't let anyone into our world and hurt anyone that comes near, it does keep up protected (and lonely).  Unfortunately, it isn't that easy, and as I know from personal experience, negativity doesn't get us anywhere. I have also learned that it is impossible for me to hold both negativity and positivity in my heart at the same time. And I cannot fulfill my life's purpose filled with bad thoughts and a grim mindset.

Being negative is a personal choice. How do I change this behavior, you ask? I recommend baby steps towards positivity. You will not be perfect 100% of the time, and no one else is either. Focus on your wonderful gifts that make you unique. Make a point to practice gratitude daily, especially in the little things. If you catch yourself engaging in negative self-talk (i.e.. I'm too fat, I am not good enough, nobody loves me), divert your attention to something positive, like a good book or good company. And do not talk bad about others. Ever. And most importantly, WHEN you do get off track, don't berate yourself and throw in the towel because you believe you cannot do it. Let it go, and do better the next time, in the next situation.

 I now choose to live positively. No I am absolutely not perfect 100% of the time. But I feel better and believe that I am being the change I wish to see in the world. I am more aware of my impact on my environment and have developed a social conscience. I am also more aware of my abundant blessings. When I take the time to look around me, I am astounded by the love and support that I wasn't aware I had, and I am so grateful that I am not wasting any more of my time and energy on negativity.

K

The Whole Is The Sum Of Its Parts

I had a great conversation this morning with my mother. We got on the topic of happiness and joy. We both have read many times, in many ways, that if you want to be happy, help someone else. I must admit that in my analytical mind, this ideology has never really made complete sense. I have always thought this was, to some degree, BS, or some sort of method to control society with "niceness". Not that I wouldn't and haven't helped people along the way, but in my mind, the correlation between the two had never fully clicked. I guess I had always pictured myself, in my darkest moments, literally volunteering 8 hours a day at a homeless shelter or retirement home, and I always thought, "What good would I be to anyone in this state of mind." I honestly didn't want to subject people to my misery, and felt that in those moments, I had nothing positive to give.

You don't find happiness... Happiness finds you when you finally have the courage to let go of the pursuit of the image of perfection.

It dawned on me during this conversation that I take things way too literally! And somehow, it clicked that the idea behind giving to others to give to yourself really means that we can give goodness, kindness, joy, and peace to others in seemingly insignificant ways in any given moment. I realized that if we can take ourselves out of our ego, and away from our selfish suffering for 5 seconds,  we can look around us, see others that are also suffering, and offer them something good. That is the key to finding happiness.

I know that pain can be highly distracting. It can consume our entire being. And I am talking physical and emotional pain. Just because you can't see an ailment, doesn't mean its not there. And we all have some sort of pain. Some people's is a great deal more intense than others, just as gash isn't as intense as a small cut.

I am definitely not trying to downplay anyone's pain. We could all be more sensitive to the "ailments" of others, physical and emotional. But the underlying lesson is that we are all connected, and our goal is not to shun others, but embrace others. We live in such a crazy busy world that it is so easy to get lost in ourselves and our own drama. But what if we could step outside of that paradigm to help just one other person. It could be as simple as letting someone go ahead in front of you in line at the grocery store, because you obviously see that they are in a hurry. Or you anonymously leave a kind note for someone that you admire. Or a sincere smile for someone that appears to be having a rough day. But don't have expectations of immediate reciprocation of kindness and generosity. But I assure you, you will get it back in other ways and other times, exactly when you need it.

The key to giving to others is to "see" others and yourself in the entire situation. Seek to understand how the whole is the sum of its parts, and realizing that you are one of the "parts". It is about letting go of your ego long enough to be aware of your surroundings, and the potentially positive impact you could have on someone in need (or the negative impact you could have by being unkind and insensitive).

What I mean by "we are all connected" is that we cannot be with those we love (children, spouses, siblings, parents, friends) at all times. And those we love will be out in the world alone, and often. Wouldn't we want those that we love to be treated with kindness and respect by others? Don't we get so angry when those we love are wronged? So shouldn't we treat strangers and acquaintances with kindness and love just like we would want others to do? This process has to start somewhere...I say with you and me, right here and now.

"Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness."
-James Thurber

K

Advice for the younger me...

As I embark on a new year of my life, I have been reflecting on what has been and what is to come. If I could, I would have let myself in on a few secrets I have learned along my path. I would have told my younger self that in the end, everything is going to be just fine. I would let myself know that I do not have to fight so hard, and that being me is enough. Here are some things I would say to the younger me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Question EVERYTHING, not in a disrespectful fashion, but always keep your insatiable thirst for knowledge. Empower yourself, as you are no one else's responsibility but your own. Learn to think for yourself and create your own truth with the application of acquired knowledge. Don't be a victim of brainwashing because you haven't sought out the answers for yourself.

Learn who you are, what you believe, what is important to you, and why it's important. Dig into the depths of your soul to see who you really are, and accept and love yourself wholly. Don't be a bystander in your life. Accept responsibility. Make the positive changes that are within your power. Don't get lost in trying to fix things that you have no control over. Remember that you are real, not fake. You have flaws and that is wonderful, for flaws create character. It will be hard, especially as a woman, to keep your focus on who you really are in the midst of the world's unrealistic pursuit of perfection. That pursuit of perfection is just an image. Inner peace comes from loving yourself in imperfection.

Operate with integrity in all that you do. Be impeccable with your word, which is a lost concept on the modern world.  Honesty breeds trust, and trust is the most basic building block of character. Speak kindly and honestly. Do what you say, say what you mean.

Be patient with yourself. If you look at the cyclical nature of life, we are not meant to move from a newborn to being the best, wisest, most capable adult. Everything we do is the result of learning, practicing, and application. Learn to appreciate the transitional times and find value in all of life's lessons, no matter how difficult. Remember that every place you have been was exactly where you were supposed to be.

Be a gracious winner, and a gracious loser, in all situations.

Practice gratitude everyday. Count your blessing constantly. Gratitude is cleansing for the soul. It shows you that despite where you think you should be, or what you think you should have, you have come so far and are just fine right where you are.

Find the joy in simplicity. Don't take more than you need. And be giving, always. Be aware of yourself and of others, and the impact you are making in this world. Be responsible for that impact.

Travel anywhere and everywhere you can, whether it's across the world or across the state. Seek to understand the place you are visiting, and the people that live there. Be a gracious guest to their community. Take in and appreciate their culture. Traveling creates perspective.

Appreciate beauty anywhere you find it, whether it is in nature or in another's heart. It is there to subtly remind you of what is truly important in life. Never lose your childlike wonder in all things that astound you. If you look hard enough, you can find God's grace everywhere. Continue to be inspired by the amazing fact that everything in this life is so complex, yet so very simple.

Honor what makes you happy, not what the world thinks should make you happy.

There is a season to everything. A season to be young and hot and a season to be wrinkled and wise. Enjoy each season. Don't get ahead of yourself, or left behind. Appreciate your God-given talents and use them for each season of your life.

You will always find what you are looking for. The choices you make today, impact your life tomorrow. Always be aware of the intentions of your heart.

Be patient with others, for they are fighting their own demons. If someone doesn't love you the way you think they should, it doesn't mean they don't love you at all. Love others, but not to the point where you are no longer loving yourself. If people don't value and respect you, you can choose to love them from a distance.

Complaining is absolutely useless. If you don't like something, do something about it.

You don't have to fight so hard. If your intentions are good, and you have action behind your intentions, you will move in the right direction. Don't push so hard, and remember the season thing.

Don't engage in gossip. It creates negativity in the soul.

Where there is fear, there is doubt. Doubt creates negativity, and negativity is toxic to the soul. So when you are fearful, it is your responsibility to seek the answers within yourself to release the fear, instead of becoming consumed with doubt.

Negativity is a highly toxic, contagious virus. But you have the power to control whether or not you catch negativity. Spread love and truth, and eliminate hate. At times, It will be difficult to navigate through the constant false truths and remember who the real enemy is.

You are an emotional being. It is ok to FEEL life. Don't ever try to numb or hide from your emotions, as that leads to problems so big you can't even imagine. Do not be ashamed to be human.

Take care of your body. I don't mean diet to the extreme to be thin, or exercise too much. I mean appreciate the earthly vessel your soul has been given to borrow. Treat it with respect. Listen to what it is saying. Give it what it needs to thrive. You really are what you eat. If you want to be healthy and feel good, do not put crap in and on your body.

And finally, I would tell myself:

You are stronger than you realize. No matter how hard it will be, and the incredible amount of pain you will endure, you shall overcome any obstacle put in front of your. Keep your faith, always.

Much Love,
K

Remember Who You Are

Sometimes (ok, a lot of the time) I catch myself engaging in self-defeating thoughts... You aren't good enough for that. You are definitely not smart enough to ever do that. You aren't strong enough... Blah, blah, blah.

It is so easy in today's world to feel unworthy and lack confidence in our endeavors. It can be difficult to stay focused on our paths. We get so caught up in what we think we should be doing, what we should be thinking, what we should be wearing, what car we should be driving, etc. We live in a world of expectations, and sadly most of the time, I don't think they are our own expectations. There is nothing wrong with having high standards and living by those standards, but it is important to remember who's expectations you are striving for.

And don't shrink down because other people don't agree with how you are living your life and create their own expectations for you. If you are living your truth, and you feel good about it, it is no one else's judgment call to make on how you live your life. People will form their self-righteous opinions about you, and unfortunately that is their God-given right (people have the free will to be jerks). Ignore them, and find people that do support you.

Truth is, we weren't designed to be shrinking violets. We weren't created to simply exist and suffer. We are powerful beyond measure. We are all intelligent, creative, competent beings that have been given special talents and skills that are helpful in our lives to contribute to the greater good. Deep down, we all have something to give to the world, whether it is time, compassion, love, beauty, joy, intellect, peace, etc.

In the past, I spent far too much time worrying about what others thought of me. What a useless thing to do! Even if you are Mother Teresa, some people will still not like you and say mean things. This is just the hateful world we live in.

Now, it matters to me what I think of myself. Am I living truthfully? Am I kind to others? Do I do my best to make others lives better? Am I honest? Am I giving? If I can answer 'yes' to my own moral code of conduct, then it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks. No one really knows what is in your heart but you and your creator, so don't let others with extremely limited knowledge tell you who you are. In the end, we all end up alone, so who cares about the naysayers?  I am getting there...

Live Your Truth,

K

Quality Over Quantity

For many years, I have come to really, really dislike the holidays. Don't get me wrong; I love the sights, smells, and sounds. I love Christmas lights, especially the plain old white ones, traditional and classy. I love the smell of holiday baking. I get a warm, fuzzy feeling when I see houses in my neighborhood decorated beautifully. It makes me feel like a kid again. It is the impending feeling of overwhelming obligation that I despise...

We live in a society in which free thought is definitely not encouraged. We are told how to feel, what to think, what types of possessions we should want for, what food we should buy, etc. To me, the holidays have become a profitable extension of this ideology, some massive marketing machine exploiting the hard-working people of America. And what I have come to realize is that it makes me feel really dirty to contribute to it.

This year, I have a new mindset regarding the holidays. I am choosing to place my focus on what is important to me, which is love and family. I guess I was forced into this mindset against my will, as my health is in no position for me to go into overdrive this holiday season without serious consequences. In fact, I am fighting my first migraine in 4 months as I write this, which I am sure is partially from the stress of the season. Our bodies are very intelligent and capable folks...And after years of the fight or flight response triggered by  constant stress, your body will become extra-sensitive and highly delicate, capable of collapse at the slightest stressor.

This year, I am actually going to enjoy the holiday season, and do what I can to make it enjoyable for others. This year I am finally going for quality over quantity. I have been taking a moment to appreciate the beauty of my lovely surroundings when I visit my local downtown area for errands. I have been enjoying my favorite holiday beverages (dairy-free, of course) from my local coffee shop. I even had a slice of pumpkin pie!

I have gone to extra lengths to make sure my home is comfortable and inviting. It smells of vanilla and pine. I actually sent out Christmas cards to friends and family both far and near to let them know that they are always in our thoughts.

I am even taking a new approach to Christmas shopping. We all have more than we need, which is why all of our crap collects in closets and garages. I don't want to continue to teach my children to take more than they need in this world. I want to make sure that the people I love get items that are useful and something special to make them smile (we all deserve small luxuries!). I have also been doing most of my shopping at local businesses, when I can. I am tired of supporting the Big Box giants of the world. Yes, they may have cheaper prices, but we pay for it somewhere else. I'd rather help support my local economy and keep jobs available for my community.

It's only the first week of December, but since I have relaxed my standards of myself this holiday season, it is already that much more rewarding. I have decided to make my intention about enjoying the holiday season, and remembering what is truly important. And that has made all the difference.

PS - If you can, give this holiday season. Even if it's a dollar. The holidays are like a pep rally for mankind; a glimpse of what we could be all the time, if we all became the loving, giving species we were designed to be. What a perfect time to practice opening your heart!

Much Love,
K

Racism is Alive and Well...

According to Merriam-Webster online, racism is defined as the following:

- a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race


Now I will not speak about racism in the world today. I have been fortunate enough to travel a little, and I have found that far more people are loving and accepting of other races/cultures than not, which is an amazing achievement for the human race. However, in my small world, racism is alive and well. And before any of you get too high and mighty, I can think of people I know from every walk of life that are racist/prejudice. This isn't limited to "white" people, as is the general perception.

A large number of us that have family lineage that has been in America for generations are not strictly "white Europeans". Don't get me wrong...There is nothing wrong with people whom are fair-skinned or Europeans, however, there are people in this country that are still hateful and judgmental towards those that are fair-skinned, thinking they have some sort of huge advantage in society.

I have researched my family history over the last few years. On my mothers side, I can trace my ancestry back to about the 1200s. My mother's lineage includes English, Spanish, Cuban, and Native American. My dad's side was not as easy to trace, as I can only go back a few generations, but his lineage includes Italian and Czech, possibly Jewish. My dad's family has only been in America since the early 1900s.

The unique thing about America is that we are a diverse group of people. We have the most cultures and ethnicities in our country than any other country in the world. And I love REAL diversity. I am not talking about Affirmative Action, which I think is a small-minded idea. I love melding ideologies, traditions, cultures, and elements. If applied in a positive way, diversity can lead to real magic and love in the world, for our different perspectives are what leads to real problem-solving and peace. 

We have this fascination in America of trying to 'police' or judge others, and then having a strong desire to "equalize" based on the perceived advantages/disadvantages of others, which I think lends to the still highly racially charged environment that is current America.

I think the goal should be to move away from the fear we have about people/things we don't understand. We have to remove our judgment and the hate we have been taught by our formative years. We should not continue to be defined by our skin color or culture, but rather by our character. That is what diversity is about. We are all unique. We have different experiences, perspectives, and talents that make us who we are. And we all have something POSITIVE to add to the world, if we can push back our ego, hate, and judgment to let it shine.

We all have our cross to bear. Every one of us is born with advantages and disadvantages. Yes, I have fair skin and blue eyes, but don't think for one second my life is all glitter and butterflies based on my outward appearance. My life has been hard, as many other peoples' lives have been hard. It is in the trials and tribulations that we learn our life lessons, gain insight and wisdom, and ultimately find peace through the love and acceptance of ALL OTHERS, regardless of how they may be different from yourself.

Distance yourself from small-minded, hateful people. You can still love them, but don't continue to engage with their BS. This just perpetuates the problem...

Stop the hate,
K

Recovering Negaholic

I have been thinking a lot lately about positive vs negative, good vs evil, bad vs good, yin vs yang, knowledge vs wisdom...You get the point. I am recently extremely fascinated by the dualism of life.

I no longer work in "Corporate America" after a decade of the grind. And I no longer live a "conventional" life. I work when I feel energized to work, I play when I need a break, and I rest when I am tired. This shift in my lifestyle isn't by choice, so before you start judging, understand that my life was so unbalanced that it almost killed me. And I fought, hard, to be the old me. And I lost.

In my new life, I don't have to go grocery shopping during "rush hour". I did, however, run to the grocery store last night for dinner ingredients. I forgot how powerful it can be to be in close proximity to such negativity (ie-anywhere in the US after a long day's work). As I was driving to the store, I was the recipient of frustration from a pissed of driver. At the store, again I was the recipient of anger and frustration. The old me would have gotten defensive, with a "what's your problem" response. The new me, the Recovering Negaholic, realizes that it has nothing to do with me, I am just the target in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was only at the grocery store 30 minutes, but I felt angry and frustrated. Yuck!

I have been seeing a lot lately about the impact of negative emotions. I know, I know...Here I go with some abstract opinion about how we can manifest what we want through our positive thoughts, right? No!

I have read the Secret, watched the movie. I have read probably 50 books on psychology, happiness, relationships, love, etc. We are all looking for something to help us. But the idea that we can "manifest" winning the lottery, or whatever, always was a little out there for me. But let me just share this idea with you:

As we experience life, our unconscious (subconscious) records thoughts and feelings, and most of the fundamental unconscious thoughts and feelings (trust vs mistrust, autonomy vs shame and doubt, and initiative vs guilt) happen BEFORE THE AGE OF 6!! That means that at the heart of our persuasion, we are pretty much our 6 year old self running around in an adult body. Man, does that explain a lot about some guys I have dated! All kidding aside, It is also estimated that 95% of our unconscious thoughts and feelings repeat 24 hours a day. You have probably heard the term "tapes". Dr. Phil uses this term often. This is what he is talking about. Your brain is unconsciously controlling your life, for the better, or for the worse.

The unconscious mind is where MOST of the work gets done. Sucks that we can't control that, huh? The unconscious mind is the source of our hidden beliefs, fears, and attitudes that interfere with our everyday life (Psychology Today). It is also the source of our creativity, intuition, inspiration, and inner knowing. And it far more complex than we are consciously aware of. This is why you sometimes "know things" or have strange dreams, or accomplish something you didn't think you could. Your unconscious mind, from time to time, will say, "It's ok... I've got this!"

Now let's talk about energy. Energy is a usable and measurable power or force. And since you live on planet Earth (gravity is an energy) and you probably pay an electric bill every month, I think it's safe to say that we all believe in energy. Do you believe that your emotions, thoughts, and feelings have energy? Do you get jittery when you are excited? Why do you think you want to sleep when you are depressed? That is energy, or lack of energy.

I did a little research about the energy surrounding emotions. I found that our thoughts form electromagnetic waves, which are forms of energy. Furthermore, the concept of empathy (sharing another's feelings) has been studied for hundreds of years. So are feelings contagious? I think this is a very real possibility. 

If  both positive and negative emotions are contagious, that explains a hell of a lot about the current state of our world. We are collectively a bunch of negative, unhappy individuals, and we are just spreading it around, like a virus. Evolutionary speaking, negative emotions are more powerful and contagious because back in the day we had to defend ourselves against tigers and other men, or whatever. We had to be able to sense danger and fear for protection. Yet, here we are in 2014, and we seemingly haven't evolved out of that state of perpetual fear and danger.

I understand that most of us do not have the freedom to eliminate or stay away from negativity. Be conscious of it, and don't contribute to it. You can change the destiny of your inner child, and collectively, we can all stop being jerks to each other.

Peace,
K

Don't Be An Ass This Xmas

Something that has been a huge life lesson for me lately has been:

DON'T TAKE MORE THAN YOU GIVE.

And the level of this lesson for me has been profound. I can ask myself a question about anything, and at the root of the issue, I can always go back to this simple statement. And as the holiday season is upon us, I think its important to really explore this.

I love the holidays. I love wearing my fuzzy scarfs and warm boots. I love the warm beverages like peppermint mocha's and pumpkin chai's. I love how my town gets all Norman Rockwell. But mostly, I love what the season represents: love, family, and the human connection.

When I do think of Christmas, I do have a tinge of apprehension as well. In fact, my family has discussed leaving town for the holidays. Why? Why on earth would I do that when I love the holiday?

I have become increasing more disappointed with what is going on in our country by the minute. But don't get me wrong. This did not happen overnight, and I think its pointless to put 100% of the blame on ONE guy. Sorry. Yes, I have my political beliefs, but ONE man didn't cause this (that can go either way depending on your political affiliation). We all played a part in allowing this to happen. When I think about the all holidays in our country, it makes me heavyhearted to think how it has become a marketing machine.

It's no secret that our country has become completely money-focused. We have shifted our perspective to the sole focus of "conquering" the world for money. Our greed has spiraled out of control. And I know that individually, there are some wonderful, amazing, giving people in this country, but collectively, we are all contributing to this mess.

Over-consumption is simply a situation in which the sustainable capacity (ability to be maintained) of our ecosystem is overwhelmed the resources we are taking. We are taking more than we are giving back to our environment, at a faster rate than it can recover. One more time; we are killing our world; we have become parasites of the earth.

par·a·site (Merriam-Webster)

: an animal or plant that lives in or on another animal or plant and gets food or protection from it

: a person or thing that takes something from someone or something else and does not do anything to earn it or deserve it

For me, my journey has become about simplifying life. The world was a better place in time when families lived within their means. We used time and devotion as tokens of our love. In a time when quality over quantity ruled, we all (hopefully) had enough. And I am very guilty of this too. I have a closet full of clothes I don't wear, that I bought because I thought I "needed" them. Stupid.

My recent philosophy about gift giving has drastically evolved. When I buy a gift, I like it to be meaningful and intentional to that person. That is my way of spending some time, really thinking about the recipient. And I hate it when people say gift cards are impersonal. For some individuals, a gift card could be a well thought out gift. My grandmother for instance, has waaayyyy to much shit, and she doesn't want anymore useless crap to dust. But one thing she LOVES is going out to lunch with her girlfriends (you go GG!), so everyone knows to buy her restaurant gift cards. Or a pre-teen girl could love a gift card to a trendy clothing store to have a little freedom for the first time. 

My point is that we have to move away from mass over-consumption during the holidays. It is so driven by a ginormous marketing machine of the major retailers. And in our materialism, we have become enslaved to it. And then we set ridiculous expectations for ourselves to outdo "last Christmas". Just stop. I guarantee that if you put love and thought into someones gift, they would rather have that than several cheap, meaningless things that will just accumulate in a pile in the back of a closet/cabinet/drawer.

I have attached some links to resources for meaningful gift ideas. If this is new to you, when you are thinking about someone to buy for, write down a list of key traits, likes, hobbies, and passions for that person. It doesn't have to take a long time, just enough to get you focus your thought on them. Then circle the top 3-4. Google gift ideas using those words to see if that sparks any inspiration. Another thing that has been helpful to me is thinking about creating a memory or experience versus just the gift itself. That's why I like restaurant gift cards for my grandmother, as it creates positive memories for her and her friends. Or for my daughter, I like artsy, creative things because it is something we can do together to have an experience.

http://www.pinterest.com/
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/7-ideas-for-stress-free-meaningful-holiday-gift-giving/
http://simplekids.net/gift-giving-philosophy/

Have an authentic, simple and beautiful holiday season!
K

Savages!

Why are women so destructive to other women. I was watching Sean Saves the World last night, and there was a skit about a father (Sean Hayes) role playing with his female friend (Megan Hilty) regarding disciplining his teenage daughter. Liz (Megan Hilty) said something along the lines of "Are you sure you are ready for this? Teenage girls are SAVAGES."

As a mother of a young daughter, I have dried many tears due to the unnecessary pain other girls have caused my daughter. And as a woman myself, I have been on the receiving end of LOTS of bitchiness in my day, and I am not proud to say I have been on the giving end as well. (No more mean girls!)

I was invited by a friend to a women's "group" this morning. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I felt compelled to go. It was at another woman's home in my neighborhood whom I had never met.

As soon as I walked in her lovely home, I felt so welcome. There were 7 of us total, and we had no agenda. It was just about having some tea/coffee/fruit and connecting in a positive way. We talked about our children, husbands, friends, personal lives etc. As we were talking, the topic came up of how important it is for women to connect with other women. And I had never really thought about this at a deep level, but it made so much sense to me.

Women are tough. You can't deny this. We bare children, people. And then after they destroy our bodies, we love and raise small people with no boundaries or restraint, all while they puke on us, lie to us, and tell us they hate us. This is not a job for the faint of heart. 

Women usually are the ones at home, as well as in corporate America, that handle all the bullshit (minutiae).  And we do this will a smile on our face and a can do attitude, because "we've got this". But where is the balance?

I really got the value today of supporting and loving our fellow women. It's time to drop the drama, cattiness, jealousy, assumptions, and rivalry. I've been really lucky in the last few years to find several women friends. When I was younger, I had a hard time with the drama and backstabbing, so I was more of a loner. But I know now that I'm surrounded by a solid network of incredible, beautiful, smart, and creative women that lift me up daily. And I know I wouldn't be where I am today without that support.

And I love my husband too, but sometimes he just doesn't "get it". Men and women are very different, and that's all part of the master plan. But don't lose value in the incredible support you can gain by opening your heart to your fellow women friends!

Love all my girls!

K

Scars

"My Scars tell a story of where I have been; they don't dictate where I going."

I am getting my 3rd and 4th tattoos tomorrow, and I am so excited. I must not look like the tattoo type, as people are shocked that I have and enjoy tattoos. I was actually asked by a dear friend last week why I liked tattoos. She wasn't asking from a place of judgement; it was just so foreign to her. I smiled and responded that all of my tattoos have deep personal meaning about a life lesson I have learned, and that it helps me by "feeling" the pain through the tattoo process itself. Plus, I like having a visual reminder of my lessons; as I have gotten older, I now see the value in 'scars'. To me, tattoos are truly beautiful displays of the inner soul, an outward personal expression, not only reserved for inmates and biker gangs.

I looked up pain in a Google search. Wikipedia defines pain as an "unpleasant feeling often caused by intense or damaging stimuli." 

Wiki also goes on to describe how the pain mechanism works between cognitive and sensory functions (mind/body). 

"Pain motivates people to withdraw from damaging situations, to protect a damaged body part while it heals, and to avoid similar experiences in the future."


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then I got to thinking about the pain thing. I have been re-reading my all time favorite book, The Mastery of Love, by don Miguel Ruiz. Below is a synopsis from the publisher:

In The Mastery of Love, don Miguel illuminates the fear-based beliefs and assumptions that undermine love and lead to suffering and drama in our relationships. Using insightful stories to bring his message to life, he shows us how to heal our emotional wounds, recover the freedom and joy that are our birthright, and restore the spirit of playfulness that is vital to loving relationships. Using teachings from the three Toltec Masteries (Awareness, Transformation, and Love) as a foundation, don Miguel brings to light the fallacies and misplaced expectations about love that permeate most relationships. He gracefully shares his wisdom through delightful and engaging stories that clarify each point and bring his message to life.

The book uses an analogy of a planet full of people with painful wounds on their skin. If someone touches another, accidentally bumps a wound of another, the first person lashes out at the second because it hurts! This is where we are in our current world. We all have so much pain from different experiences and traumas, and we are in so much pain that we can't see outside of the pain, or even begin to empathize with how others may be feeling. And because we are currently living in a world FILLED with pain, we then try to numb it or put it on another because we cannot handle it ourselves. We do this through alcohol/drug abuse, shopping, food, abusive relationships, adultery, and my least favorite, prescriptions. The number one reason for doctor visits in the US is for pain. Yea, I know first hand how bad pain can be. Go ahead and read my past blogs...

My point is this: We all have pain. It's a part of life. It's how we choose to express our pain that matters. I have recently discovered that writing immensely helps me release my pain; being on 15 different prescriptions does not. (If you truly need prescriptions, please continue to take! I just didn't need them!)  I would encourage everyone to find a creative, healthy way to release their pain instead of self-destruction or projection onto others.

And I love my tats, even if they aren't visible to the world. For me, they serve as a daily reminder of the pain I have been through, and the strength I hold. When you see others in the world that you may not understand, just know that (hopefully) they are doing their best to manage their pain. Love them anyway!

"Choosing not to lash out and release your pain, and instead choosing to feel the pain is very courageous."
-Gary Zukav

Much Love,
K

Find the Yin to your Yang :)

I am not here to bullshit anyone, and I am not going to lie. Yes, I try to keep a positive attitude about life, trying to see the humor and irony, instead of focus on the pain. But shit happens, and we all have bad, bad days. I am not perfect, nor are those around me. We are all human.

So I have had a particularly bad last few days. The details don't really matter. It is the same of what you are going through, I am sure: family drama, financial stress, disease, death, unnecessary drama, work, etc.

I woke up this morning under a dark cloud. I woke up aware of this, not really liking it too much, and not sure how I was going to "fix" it. I made some tea, took a hot bath, and put on my war paint. I decided to drive down to the local bike path which is along a peaceful creek, and took my dog for a long walk. Luckily it wasn't very crowded down on that path because I sang while I walked. It felt awesome.

I took my sweet pup home, got her some water, and drove into our little downtown area. I am not sure why, but I feel good when I am in our old part of town. There are so many cute local businesses: bakeries, coffee shops, restaurants, salons, and clothing stores. It's just so quaint! One of the shops I love is like a permanent "craft fair", with booths set up by local vendors, and it's a mix of antiques, gifts, handmade items, and clothes. They happen to sell my favorites candles, and I just ran out of mine yesterday. So I went and bought my favorite candle. I picked up a few greeting cards, as I like to have cards on hand for the right occasion. Then I strolled down to the corner to the local coffee shop, and ordered my favorite treat, a green tea latte.

One of the cards I bought, I specifically picked out for my best friend. She lives in another state, and we don't get to see each other, or even speak to each other as often as we would like. I didn't have any specific intention in the card; it was more of a simple hello. 

As I started to write, I began thanking her for her friendship of over 20 years. I guess I had never thought about how much that had meant to me. You see, my best friend and I lived a few streets away from each other as children, and we met riding the bus together. I remember the first time we met. She was sweet, kind, and beautiful. And she was nice to me, which I wasn't so used to, especially at that age.

I wasn't the cutest kid. I was overweight. I had bad skin and teeth. I didn't dress well. I had a bit of a rough edge. I was a little too smart and way too socially awkward. Jessie was beautiful, cultured (as much as you can be at that age), had nice clothes, and was artistic. She sang so beautifully, and I couldn't even play a recorder. When I met Jessie, it was like she saw the person I was capable of being, that no one else saw. She has always loved me for exactly who I am and the person I have the potential to be, and she would never let me fail. We have definitely had bumps in the road of our friendship, but those bumps made our bond even that much stronger. She loved me when I felt unlovable, unworthy. What a profoundly valuable lesson.

Jessie and I get to see each other a few times a year. On a visit to my house a few years ago, she had left a pair of earrings by accident. I called her, and she wasn't too upset about forgetting the earrings. She said, "No worries, I'll get from you next time I am out there." She never did ask for those earrings back. 

When I am having a bad day, I put in her earrings and I feel like I have a part of her there with me. I texted her a pic of myself wearing her earrings this morning. She responded with the fact that she wears my bracelet...Huh, I don't even know what bracelet she is talking about, because obviously I am not missing it. And I realize that is because I don't need the bracelet, she does. Just like I need the earrings.

Jessie recently bought her first home. I realize I never got her a housewarming gift. Bad friend! So I leave the coffee shop and head back down to the Candle store. I instantly see a handmade kitschy angel wall decoration. The colors are muted and soft. The angel is, well, angelic and sweet. It reminds me of Jessie. I think of her as being so kind, soft-hearted, warm, loving, deeply creative, and wonderfully passionate about life. I keep looking around the shop and stumble upon a LARGE black and white metal sign with a meaningful quote about life. It says something about clouds and silver linings. And then it dawns on me that these two things I am drawn to in this store are the yin and yang of our friendship. She is the warm, soft, kind angel, and I am the hard-edged, loud, abrasive, screaming sign. I decide to buy the sign instead of the angel. I haven't seen her new place yet, but I can imagine how serene and warm it is. But now she has no choice to hang a loud, edgy reminder of me on her new wall.

I love you +Jessie Hebert!

K

The Lamb

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."

-Ernest Hemingway

You will hear me talk a lot about integrity and authenticity, as I firmly believe that they are key to a full and happy life. And amazingly, every one of has those moments of pure bliss when we are truly living in the moment, and enjoying it. As I reflect on my life, I see a few moments of clarity and authenticity, and in those moments, I was so content. The rest of my 32 years, however, was filled with in-authenticity  fear, pain, judgement, labels, agendas, and ego. But recently, I have come to realize that no one could ever hurt me as much as I hurt myself. So I made the decision to stop with the self-hate.

As I went through this transformation, I realized that in myself I felt like I had somehow lost my innocence; I was unclean. But realized my perception of purity was so flawed. 

I think so many of us have this perception that we are somehow unclean, broken, and flawed because of our past and our mistakes, and also for our current desires. Desire is something that is a positive emotion. (We shouldn't be ashamed of things that bring us pleasure, as long as they ultimately don't cause us pain.) Then we just give up on ourselves because of the extreme guilt, and then we lose our hope. It's so vital to understand that scars have their value; they are reminders of how strong we were to survive, not to show us we were once wounded.

If you are Christian, scripture refers to this innocence as the lamb. I believe this is the difference between knowledge and wisdom. We are and have been living in an age of Knowledge. Knowledge is the acquiring of facts and data, not the application of the data. Wisdom is being able to discern between what is right and just in said knowledge. If we can reconcile the two, it leads to Insight, which is the ability to see "clearly", and that there is a bigger picture outside of our own ego. Then we can apply the knowledge for the greater good, which is the ultimate goal.

By definition, Innocence is a lack of guilt, void of ego, and optimistic view of self/world. And loss of innocence is simply an increased awareness of evil, pain, or suffering, in ourselves and the world around us. Innocence isn't directly related to your mistakes and errors in judgement. We all have so much to give but we are hindered by our own pain. I have come to believe lately that the innocence that we are searching for is reconciling the knowledge with wisdom to gain and apply insight with integrity into all aspects of life.

I see so many people in pain around me daily. I see truly good people that are just so sad, and don't have any idea where to turn. My challenge would be to strive to be more authentic, not necessarily positive (read attached article I read this morning).Stop Being Positive...

We all want and desire something real, something to make us feel. We all want to love, be loved, and be comfortable enough to expose our real selves. Why not start with us? Yea, we may have some discomfort, but that is a feeling, right?

Something to think about,
K

Finding Happiness

This post is a request by a long-time friend +George Stahl. Thank you for the inspiration for this post...

As human beings, we are in this constant 'fight' for our happiness, or whatever image we have that happiness may or may not be. But have you ever really stopped and thought long and hard about what happiness is and the meaning of true happiness in relation to yourself?

I have to admit that I had never done this. And I am a thinker, an analyzer, and student of life. Happiness is such an obscure word. What does that mean? Wikipedia defines happiness as, "a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy."

I have been thinking for several days about +George Stahl's question about "what is happiness". I have found that if I seek the answers and really listen, I get the answers I seek. A few days after the initial question, my dearest friend +Jessie Hebert  sent me a video text out of the blue of her 87 year old aunt dancing, singing, and laughing. I watched that video a few times, and I smiled. I knew that this 87 year old woman, was young and pure of heart. She had no fear, no self-doubt. My best friend's aunt is the epitome of how I hope to evolve, spiritually. She had figured out the secret to happiness, and was the living, breathing embodiment of pure contentment.

I know you have met those people in your life. They don't have to necessarily be 87. They come in all shapes, sizes, races, sexes, and ages. These are the people that are just happy regardless of the shit life throws at them. But guess what, I don't think that the "secret" to happiness is as far-reaching as we think.

As I wondered about happiness, I wanted to break it down into a hand full of the most important dynamics of happiness. They are as follows:

FINDING TRUE INNER PEACE
Peace, by definition, is an ending to a war or fighting. We all (should) have a desire to end all the hate and fighting in the world, but unfortunately we cannot change the world until we change ourselves, until we deal with our own internal war. We all have some sort of internal conflict, whether we are conscious of it or not. The secret to finding inner peace is living a life of integrity. For more information, please read yesterday's post "Falling From Grace". We are all living in this paradigm of fear. And fear is simply an emotion of a perceived threat. You cannot be at peace until you lose the fear. Where there is fear, there is doubt. Doubt creates negativity (conscious or unconscious) and negativity is poison to the soul. Not trying to be all "fire and brimstone" but truly think about how you feel when you are overwhelmed with fear, doubt, and negativity. It's awful!

LETTING GO
Once you have begun the path of self-awareness and inner peace, you have to let go of the pain. Pain sucks, I am not going to lie, but you will just halt your personal growth by trying to run, numb, or ignore the pain. Address it, forgive yourself, let it go.

LIVING FULL
Watching my best friend's aunt was a beautiful visual reminder to live a "full" life. We are creatures of passion, yet we choose to punish ourselves with more pain, self-destruction, and self-loathing. When you have made peace with yourself, forgiven your transgressions, and "let it go", then you can be completely comfortable in your own skin. It is with that comfort that comes the beauty and power of living your "truth". This means being able to openly express your enthusiasm, passion, and ambition with the world, regardless of what anyone thinks. It means being comfortable to fully express yourself physically, emotionally, and intellectually. 

And the dancing 87 year old? Her truth was that she knew that her chronological age is just a number. That she is shouldn't fear tomorrow, and instead she should live in the moment and dance.

May you find your peace, 
K 

Falling From Grace

I first want to apologize to those of you that enjoy my work for my recent hiatus. I have been struggling with finding my balance for the last 32 years, so now I am practicing what I preach, so I took a few days off.

I feel compelled to write about Integrity. It has been a very common theme lately in my microcosm of my life all the way up to the macrocosm of the massive problems in the country/world that are approaching a tipping point.

Integrity is defined as "a firm adherence to a code, especially that of moral values" or "the quality or state of being complete or undivided". I would argue that every singe one of you reading this currently has or had some sort of imbalance in your life. I have found that personally, every time I have felt this "imbalance" it is because I am living outside of my personal "Integrity" or my core belief system. This can be small stuff that we aren't even conscious of, like shopping at a large corporation that does not operate within or close to your personal value system.

Let me relate this through a personal story. Let's say that my husband and I worked for a company for several years that we deeply believed in. It was a rare company in today's world that regardless of it's size and growth, the corporation and leaders made every decision weighing the pros and cons, and making conscious decisions that best met the needs of the Team Members and the Consumers. Yes, we all need a little profit at the end of the day to continue our pursuit of happiness, and that happiness is spread by helping others by building them up, which is why to this corporation, it was important to keep the Team Members top of mind. 

Let me make it very clear that "profit" is not a dirty word. There are some leaders and business owners in this world that do have "wealth" but consciously choose to use their wealth to spread joy, and to uplift the "down and out".

Let's say that somewhere, somehow, this company got lost in the greed that is oh-so-appealing in today's modern world. We all have a hedonistic side that operates purely out of instinct, so of course it is possible to fall from grace, so to speak. 

From that one "tipping point" of indiscretion, and operating outside of integrity, the whole balance of good and integrity is thrown out of balance. The company gets  taken over slowly by leaders that do not value the company's system of integrity. And all the Team Members that lived, breathed, and believed the philosophy of "goodness" and integrity start feeling out of balance because deep down, they know they are no longer supporting the greater good. They start to realize they feel so lost and out of balance because they are not living their "personal truth" of system of integrity. As humans, we understand very clearly the concept of "if you are not a part of the solution, you are a part of the problem", even though sometimes we choose to turn off our inner voice of truth.

The antonyms of integrity are: badness, evil, inequity, sin, and wickedness. I have found that evil is not the man in black standing in a dark alley. Evil, wickedness, sin, etc. are very real and presented today in very shiny, pretty, well-spoken packages. The state of your life today is a reflection of the choices you decided to make in the past. Ultimately, if you choose to be "whole" and live your truth, you can control your own destiny.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” 
― Rainer Maria Rilke

Find your truth and live it fully!
K

PS - I haven't forgotten about the request...It's in the works!

The Tiger Within

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
-Proverbs 15:1

I had a hard conversation with my 19 yr old son this afternoon regarding anger. Unfortunately, my son and his father are going through the quintessential tumultuous father-son relationship (ie-they don't see eye to eye on ANYTHING). As an outsider, I can see the core of their problem, and it's very simple. They simply are two different people that speak completely different languages which in turn creates mass confusion on both sides. Throw in the fact that they do not speak the same language. My husband is very action-oriented, where as my son is more emotion-oriented. They simply do not understand each other, and it's neither one of their faults. Have you ever been traveling and attempted to communicate with someone that speaks an actual other "language" from your first language? Have you become slightly emotional (ie-frustrated) because they weren't "understanding" you? Have you, ahem, found yourself raising your voice and increasing your intensity?

I explained to my son that at it's core, their mutual anger was repressed negative emotions over the years from their failure to "communicate" effectively. I said, "Anger is a very natural, passionate emotion but its like a wild animal with only instinct, no reason. Control that animal instinct with your intellect to know better. But release it because it is energy, powerful energy. Write, sing, workout, draw, but please do something to release the emotion."

My talk with my son had got me thinking about emotions, especially because I have always been "passionate" or extreme in my emotions. An emotion is a biological (has energy), subjective (influenced by personal feelings), and conscious (being aware of) expression. So, it is some sort of energy that is controlled by our emotions, and we know it! 

There are two extremes of emotions, what I call the "passionate" emotions. The excited extremes are: ecstatic, energized, aroused, bouncy, nervous, perky, and antsy. Conversely, the Angry extremes of emotions are irritable, resentful, miffed, upset, mad, furious, and raging. There are obviously "grey" emotions that are in between that energetically are more neutral such as: fulfilled, content, mopey, blue, sympathetic, or tense. When you experience these emotions, they are not quite as intense.

Emotion is derived from a French word. It means to stir up. When you stir up the energy in your body (meaning the two extremes of the passionate emotion), it's important to release said energy. My son always asks me how he can control (ie-release) the anger. I personally highly recommend punching bags (because it works wonders for me). But I know my son's language; I know his gentle spirit is better suited towards creating something beautiful, like writing or singing. He is a beautiful writer that evokes such emotion and imagery. And he loves music. So inside I secretly hope to myself he takes my advice to write; maybe he can become a song writer someday.

As our conversation ends and he tells tells me, "Thanks. I love you." I answer, "I love you, too." And my heart smiles wide. I immediately thank my creator for bringing this incredible young man into my life, and for this lesson in life about the power of love.

 And then it dawned on me that you will always find what you seek I have recently discovered that I currently have everything I ever wanted: a wonderful, supportive family, a loyal circle of friends, enough food in my family's mouth and clothes on our backs, and to just live! Just because it isn't exactly as I had imagined, it's even more beautiful.  So I recommend that you, a.) be careful what you seek and b.) don't turn away that which you have been seeking when you find it if it isn't in the package you expected.

Live in Simple Abundance,
K

Finding Balance

When I woke up this morning, I could definitely feel the residual debauchery from my weekend. With what I have gone through health-wise over the last 5 years, once you start to get well, you will cling onto that "wellness" with your bloody fingertips, hanging on for dear life.

My back muscles were sore and achy. My feet, knees, and hips were achy. My stomach was upset and I was nauseous. All I wanted to do was climb back in bed and rest my tired, sore body. But something in me said, "Kristin, this is 100% your fault. You have been indulging in Starbucks everyday for the last three days. You have been drinking too much, eating crappy, and not taking time for yourself." I paused and realized, yes, this was my fault. Now, keep in mind I wasn't trying to 'kill' myself. I had been very busy with a new business venture, helping plan a friend's birthday party, and baby sitting my grandson all week. We also had family in town, spent all day Saturday out and about, then attended a play and birthday party Saturday night. Life happens. Things come up. And it is so important to welcome those things because that is what life is all about. We (hopefully) strive to be all we can to those we love. But remember, you have to take care of yourself before you can be in top shape to take care of others. Balance is the key. And let me tell you, I have a very hard time being consistent with balance in my life.

So yes, I threw off my own health (unintentionally), so I have no one else to blame, and nothing to do but fix it. So I dragged my own sore ass out of bed. I made myself an organic half-fresh juice/half protein shake to restore my body from the inside. I called my miracle worker chiropractor, Dr. G and made the next available appointment. And I put in a gentle yoga DVD. I consciously worked towards "finding my balance" again. I have learned that your body will tell you exactly what it needs if you can quiet your mind enough to hear it.

"Life is a balance of holding on and letting go."

K

Laughter Is The Best Medicine

They say that laughter is the best medicine, right? We could sure use that kind of medicine in today's world. Laughter can be such a powerful tool. Joking can make light of a difficult situation, which can lead to diffusion of tension and aid relationship building. Humor keeps the mind light and young. Laughter has so many healing properties; laughter decreases stress hormones, boosts the immune system, improves mood, improves breathing, burns calories, and even produces anti-aging properties in facial muscles. Awesome, right? What happens when seemingly harmless humor becomes used as a weapon? It is awful that in our society today we have made a huge shift in how we use this powerful tool called laughter.

I have a past relationship that was built on passive aggressive humor. Every single joke or prank was at my expense. I've always tried to be objective about things, so I tried really hard not to get my feelings hurt. But after a while, it sure didn't feel like love. But it did feel a lot like pain.

If I ever did protest a joke at my expense, I always got the canned response of, "I was just joking!" 

Folks, why would we use laughter (such a beautiful gift) to hurt others?

And relax, I am not talking about sarcasm. Sarcasm can be like a pinch of cayenne pepper that can add spice to a dish. Sarcasm can be like the word "shit"; it has it's politically incorrect purpose, but in some situations, it's absolutely necessary.

What I would say though is that too often we mask our pain, fear, insecurity, etc. through mean-spirited humor. And this is the epitome of being passive aggressive, for this behavior says, "I'm a mean person attempting to present myself as a nice, funny person, but I ultimately I want to hurt you too." And if you think about it, that just makes you a lying, mean person with bad intentions.  

Ultimately it's about intent. Is your humor well intended? Are you trying to lighten the mood, to ease pain, to comfort? Or is your humor a thinly veiled attempt to hide your pain and  pass it to another like some sort of "pain disease"?

Every single time I have caught myself engaging in such behavior, I find that I'm feebly attempting to protect myself, hide my pain. We all have pain. It's time we stop the awful cycle of self-destruction. If we all loved each other just half as much as we hate, the world would truly be heaven on earth.

"Respect people's feelings even if they mean NOTHING to you because it could mean EVERYTHING to them."

Thanks for reading,
K